I don't know how much I can write about my family because its way too tender and painful to me. I have two younger brothers who are married with children, while I remain single and lonely and fat. I was the "hero" of the family while growing up. I was the second adult in the house even as a child. But the tables have turned and now I'm the identified "patient", ruiner of all family events, because I'm emotional. They label me emotional as if its a crime. A better word for me is sensitive.
My brother who I call Fat Cat is a cigar-smoking, highball drinking monetary success. He has the fancy cars, the fancy house, the perfect child and lives in Sacramento where we grew up.
My other brother lives in Denver and has two great kids, a beautiful wife, and a perfect life from the outside.
One thing I can't deny is that both of my brothers have been able to sustain their relationships for years and I have yet to be able to date someone for more than 3 months. I don't count the time I was married in my young twenties to a Moroccan guy who we assume wanted citizenship, but I was to naive to know that. I should've raked some moulah in from that exchange, but I trust too much and often don't see the truth of a situation.
My point is this: I am so lonely here and I just want somebody to want me around. My brother in Sacramento says that I'd hate it there, which I'm sure I would. My brother in Denver said I wouldn't like it there because its too recreational and I wouldn't fit in.
So, here I sit, full of feelings, abstinent, and trying to cope. Thinking about what I will do next. What kind of job will I go for? Will I get fired again? Will everyone hate me because I'm fat? Why are people all moving away? Why can't somebody take me under their wing? That's all I've ever wanted was to be taken under someone's wing until I can fly. It's sad that at 40, I still haven't found a wing to hide under and feel safe. Granted, this wing operation should've happened when I was a child, but it didn't.
I have to be careful to not dwell to heavily on this because it sends me into a spiral of deep depression and sadness. Oh, how I long to be loved and cared about. I want to be held and safe. I don't think its going to happen anytime soon.
I'm scared.
11 comments:
Hey there friend.
You know the saying.."The grass is always greener on the other side." Michele do not get so caught up in the lives your brothers have and what you do not. It's not healthy for you and also, I'll bet they're lives are not exactly what the look like from the "outside".
Try to focus on where you want your life to go and I know it's scary. I really do...I fight that fear everyday too. Try to focus on one goal at a time. Do something you want and don't look around at what other people are saying,doing, or what you think they're thinking. Do it for you and your peace of mind.
You're not alone...you have a friend in Texas.
~M
Michele, first of all--you're abstinent. That's great considering what all has been going on.
I live in a college town and many of the wonderful friends I make used to end up leaving b/c their significant others got another job/fellowship/etc. The plus side is that I have several places to visit in the good old U.S. And I have one friend who I do so many things and if she left, whoa. I'd be very lonely too.
As for your brothers, remember you're on the outside looking in. You don't know what goes in their relationships and their wives and children may wish for a better one with them. What probably bothers them about you being "emotional" is that you are acknowledging something they'd rather forget.
Now...for the loneliness. There are a lot of things you might be able to do. I say "might" because you know yourself. Please don't think I'm being simplistic with these suggestions. For one thing, I've only had one can of Diet Coke this morning so far.
--Can you get out and volunteer with some group? If you can, make it a fun group or a fun-serious group. By that, I mean don't join a hospice. I think if you google, there's a clearinghouse for volunteers through the United Way throughout the country.
--Jobs. Are you in dire need of the money for a job? If not, see above and definitely pick a fun job to "work" for.
--If you do need the money (and who doesn't?) what would you like to do? Be as unrealistic as possible. You might even consider a new skill that uses your old one. Off the top of my head is you were good at sales. You could work for a theatre and work on fund-raising (even as a volunteer).
--If you can't or don't want to get out,I think that there other things to do. We would have to put our thinking caps on (and I would have to drink more Diet Coke).
It's tough to make new friends (I feel that way and I always add, at my age)and it stinks that it's a lot like dating (putting yourself out there for instance) but you have to do it.
I never know what to say when someone puts their feelings right out there as you have. I feel for you, I really do. We all want to feel loved, cared for and safe and it is never too late to find that person or persons.
I had to choose my own family to nurture me and for a long while most of my female friends were much older than me. I found them more accepting of me. I was also afraid of my own peers, of being judged by them, of not measuring up etc.
You know the old saying "you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends" or something like that. I made a family out of my friends since my relationship with my parents was never that close.
Before I met my husband I felt that I was going to be alone the rest of my life. After 5 years of being together I still have some of those feelings and I realized after a while that I was expecting him to be my everything all of the time. Not really fair to him - noone should have to do that.
I echo the "outside looking in" thought. It is true, most people are usually not living the perfect life that you think they are. I often think that everyone has it better than me and then I get to know them and hear their story and I feel I have more in common with them than not.
Abstinence is great but it is probably what is making you so introspective or sad right now? I am sure losing a friend like that is contributing to the feeling of lonliness - perhaps some feelings of abadonment?
All of this stuff is hard and your working at it. Many people deal with these issues without the additional issues of weight/food. Just don't let it overwhelm you and have it sending you back down a slippery slope.
Be gentle with yourself, you don't have to figure this all out today, or tommorrow.
Remember to breath :-)
Be well friend!
Rowan
I came here by way of Buddha Girl.
I've read your entire blog and must say that it is so refreshing. The way you feel about your food addiction is exactly how I feel.
Your thoughts on relationships and the way people make you feel because you are obese are right on.
I have tried to let it be known that no matter what we look like or how much we weigh, we still need to feel loved and cared for.
I'm sorry you are having such a rough spell. I have had my share. I hope that things will become bearable for you soon.
Lori's suggestion is a good one. She you do something for someone else - you feel better too.
Tuitoring came to mind - I do not know your background. But with either kids, teenagers or adults - they come to you, it is a sit down kind of thing, and low stress. Whether it is volunteer or getting paid - it might be an option.
Big Sisters program also came to mind - if you had the right match up so that you did at home things - played games, watched movies, read books, art projects, etc. You might consider a special needs kind of kid that maybe wasn't mobile either - you might find someone that you would really be able to help.
Mentoring is also an option depending on your background.
Hang in there.
vickie
I'm so glad SignGurl stopped by. She and I both know the pain and anguish of being obese.
I have a poster I bought for my classroom my first year of teaching...that was 11 years ago. It reads:
You are unique and important. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
You are, Michelle.
As some others have mentioned, I think this deluge of hopelessness, frustration, and loneliness is due to you being "clean." You're not using your drug of choice (food) anymore, and now all of the feelings, fears of inadequacy, and self-doubt are pummeling you.
I think you've done the best thing you can at this moment - you blogged. Journaling is an intense, wonderful experience, but it doesn't give you the tangible feedback a blog does.
We are here for you. We believe in you. We know, in our own ways, the pain you're feeling.
(On a less emotional note, I'd like to suggest contacting a local library to see if you could do a read-aloud session to young kids a couple of days a week. Moms and librarians love it...the kids ADORE it. I have a list of great childrens books if you're interested in pursuing this. You wouldn't get paid monetarily, but I do believe that getting out, helping kids and their parents, and doing something productive would greatly help your sense of depression.)
Hi don´t be sad... just smile, i like too SCRUBS
and the WHITE STRIPES rules!!! yeah also the new proyect of the singer THE RACOUNTEURS do you heard something of there?
and whats your opinion of the movie GARDEN STATE by SACK BRAF?
Have a nice weekend
Lucky for me, my sister is just as unmarried and childless as I am: but we have two close female cousins who are both hausfraus with long-term relationships so they're always in my mind. Successes. I'm thirtysomething and the longest relationship I've ever had lasted a year -- six months too long. 9 times out of 10, it lasts 2 months. And then I have to get out.
You're not alone: trust me.
Also, and I say this in the most wonderful, kindest way, but have you considered a 12-step program? I've been going to AA for 9 years and have gone to a couple OA meetings and they're full of really wonderful women and there's actually very little talk about food; just feelings and stuff. You can't NOT make friends at these places and you get a sponsor who has to take your calls. ;)
JUST A SUGGESTION!!
Ugh; this machine just ate my last comment. So I'll try to make this brief. You're not alone; I'm unlucky in love too. I'm thirty something and unmarried but lucky for me so is my sister. She's no more funcitonal that I am.
Have you tried a 12-step program? I've been in AA for 9 years and have gone to a couple OA meetings and they're not about food at all but more about feelings and support. And they're FREE and you get a sponsor who has to take your calls.
Just a suggestion.
How are you doing over the holiday weekend? Unusual not to hear from you posting somewhere ???
Very hot here in the midwest and thunderstorm after thunderstorm rolling through.
Got an hour walk in on the golf course - but watched the weather the whole time in case lightening came up - hate to be a headline in tomorrow's paper.
Lazy day other than walk.
Vickie
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