Thursday, June 29, 2006
My Family - The Camdens they are Not
I don't know how much I can write about my family because its way too tender and painful to me. I have two younger brothers who are married with children, while I remain single and lonely and fat. I was the "hero" of the family while growing up. I was the second adult in the house even as a child. But the tables have turned and now I'm the identified "patient", ruiner of all family events, because I'm emotional. They label me emotional as if its a crime. A better word for me is sensitive.
My brother who I call Fat Cat is a cigar-smoking, highball drinking monetary success. He has the fancy cars, the fancy house, the perfect child and lives in Sacramento where we grew up.
My other brother lives in Denver and has two great kids, a beautiful wife, and a perfect life from the outside.
One thing I can't deny is that both of my brothers have been able to sustain their relationships for years and I have yet to be able to date someone for more than 3 months. I don't count the time I was married in my young twenties to a Moroccan guy who we assume wanted citizenship, but I was to naive to know that. I should've raked some moulah in from that exchange, but I trust too much and often don't see the truth of a situation.
My point is this: I am so lonely here and I just want somebody to want me around. My brother in Sacramento says that I'd hate it there, which I'm sure I would. My brother in Denver said I wouldn't like it there because its too recreational and I wouldn't fit in.
So, here I sit, full of feelings, abstinent, and trying to cope. Thinking about what I will do next. What kind of job will I go for? Will I get fired again? Will everyone hate me because I'm fat? Why are people all moving away? Why can't somebody take me under their wing? That's all I've ever wanted was to be taken under someone's wing until I can fly. It's sad that at 40, I still haven't found a wing to hide under and feel safe. Granted, this wing operation should've happened when I was a child, but it didn't.
I have to be careful to not dwell to heavily on this because it sends me into a spiral of deep depression and sadness. Oh, how I long to be loved and cared about. I want to be held and safe. I don't think its going to happen anytime soon.