Friday, June 16, 2006

The Anorexic Incident

Ok, so it's hot here. We all know that because I talk about it alot. Ugh, I'm schvitzing. I've run out of protein in my house so I know there must be a venture outdoors for me today.
Ahh, but first I want to go to McD's and get my delicious Large Diet Coke with extra ice, please. That'll be 1.83 at the window. Thank you.
I have a little routine where I get my diet coke (nectar of the Gods) and proceed over to air-conditioned Starbucks and sit on down in the big purple chair and finish reading whatever book I'm into at the time. Well, friends, here' s a recommendation:

DO NOT FINISH A BOOK THAT MIGHT EVEN MAKE YOU WEEP OR CRY OR EVEN HAS AN INKLING OF THIS POTENTIAL in a Starbucks filled with computer nerds who are devoid of any emotion.

I finished the Geneen Roth book about her cat and her dad and the craggly hole and I started weeping. Very uncomfortable. The geek next to me was uncomfortable too. The geek across from me looked like he was going to climb under his table. "Oh no, an emotion has broken loose. Take cover.!"

Needless to say, the book was short, sweet and very touching and it taught me something. I do have this craggly hole in my heart and it has never been filled by anything outside. I thought being thin would be the answer - because isn't that what we are told; that if we just lost a little weight then things would be perfect. The hole felt more intense the thinner I got. That was the first time around. The second time around I thought -- I'm gonna heal this hole. I'm gonna go to therapy, study meditation, be of service, date, find a man, wear cute clothes, and never eat to solve my emotional discomfort again. Uh, wait -- program interruptus! That wasn't the answer either, although I think all the therapy and spiritual endeavors have added to the person I am and I kinda like that person. But, I'm fat so I can't like myself too much. It's not allowed.

So, here's this hole and it's too big to ignore. It demands attention. It demands more attention now than it ever did. Perhaps, it's because I'm older or maybe because I am less social so there isn't much distraction. I learned that this hole is fillable with love. Love can be such a grand word with so much meaning. I can't force another person to love me the way the hole wants to be filled. I've gone to the wall time and time-again trying to get that kind of love that would fill this hole. A friend of mine says it's like going to the hardware store for a haircut.

This love that I seek is from within. How many times has someone told you to just love yourself and all will be well? Well, isn't that like saying, "Just lose the weight and all will be well." I've been as mystified by fat as I have been by love. The thing about this book and what it meant to me was that I am who I am right now--a fat woman who has been through hell and back not just with weight but with emotions as well. For a very long time I longed to be one of those easy-going (water off a duck's back) people. I tried and tried to be less sensitive and change myself. Program Interruptus again! Not possible. My package is sensitive, handle with care. That's the way it is. I don't want to change it anymore. What I do want is to grow into this hole and accept that it is there and I keep it the way it is because it is what it is. (how many times can i use the word "is"?). I believe we keep ourselves safe by any means necessary, hence, the weight, the solitude, the sarcasm, the over-neediness for other people. I can accept that today.

It is what it is.


So, you may be asking yourself, what was the anorexic incident? Well, just to let you know that I'm not singing from the mountaintop with all the self-love and peace in my body...let me relay a story that is fresh in my mind...join me won't you--

Today - I'm schvitzing and my 7 minutes of standing time is coming to a close and I'm at Safeway. I'm depositing a check that I got and there is a chair to sit in, so I promptly sit down all the while thinking this will give me a recharge and I'll be able to do my shopping. This fucking anorexic is in front of me at the ATM-- I hate her. For some reason, I just hate her. She's 30 but looks 50. I hate her. She makes me angry. I'm not sure if it's because I'm hot or that she's in front of me, or that I simply just hate her. I didn't know that I would see her again.

I finished my shopping, deposited my check and proceeded to the checkout line which was 4 miles long. One checker and two meth addicts who just got their county checks were buying a boatload of groceries...two carts full..and these are American sized carts - so they're big. The line is long and guess who's in line..that's right-- anorexic bitch.

They make a big announcement:

We need checkers here. Checkers to the checkout immediately. STAT!

This nice checker comes up to me and says he'll take me at #5. I said that the woman beside me was waiting longer so please take her first. Well Rexi was behind her and looked at me dead-on and said, "Well what are we gonna do here?" (ps. the items in her basket were Hersheys chocolate syrup and 48 bottles of water and a head of iceberg lettuce -- WEIRD REXI). Anyway, I was hot and I was reaching my maximum stnading time and I said, "What do you mean what are we going to do here?" She replied, "We've been waiting." I said, "Well why don't I just go over here then." She says, "That's a good idea." And I said louder and more irritated, "Yeah, I'll just go over here." And right before I said, "Ya know, Rexi, I don't think anorexics really eat Hershey's syrup, are you sure you want to get that?"--the checker said, I'll take you now. Saved by the checker. I was really gonna go off on her. I hate her.

Nice ending to a multiple personality post--



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