Arghhh. I went to an OA meeting tonight because the window of opportunity opened for me and I had the willingness to jump through it.
Everything went swimmingly. I met with a woman who is helping me go through withdrawal from the junk and I'm willing to let her help me.
After we met 1:1, we headed up to the meeting room. I felt a little embarrassed since I was the fattest one in the room, but whatever, it's an OA meeting...it's okay to be fat.
After the meeting ended, I felt hopeful and ready to go home and get ready for my day tomorrow which includes going to the doctor where I will inevitably be weighed and perhaps treated like a disappointment by the doctor because guess what, "I'm FAT". Doctors always seem to have this exasperated look on their face when a fatty walks in and tend to blame every problem that might be going on because I'm FAT. Anyway, the weigh in should be helpful since I have to go to DMV and get my photo taken after that.
My current license is a good pic of me at 130 lbs and very tan. This one will be quite different -- pale, puffed, and 405. Niiiiice.
Back to the meeting: there is a brother-sister team that go to this meeting who I've known through OA for years. I'm closer to the brother than the sister although the sister has been reaching out lately. However, I call them "The Hun (as in Attila) and the Nebbish (as in whiney gay man)". She is very tall and intimidating and very set in her ways, and he is curt and full of disdain and not very good socially (an engineer - what do you expect). Long story getting even longer here....the Hun had her birthday over the weekend (supposedly a big blowout of some sort-although how much of a blowout could a 'Hun' have...well, through the grapevine I heard of this party which I was not invited to. Stupidly I mention this to the brother - just being light about it I said, "Oh I heard your sister is having a big party over the weekend." To which he replied, "Yes." I said I guess I'm not invited. He said, "Well you are still on a trial basis with her. She is very high maintenance and you need to earn her friendship by calling every day and maybe you'll make it into the inner circle." Okay, let's just say this...I don't care to be in a circle with the Hun or the Nebbish. They are the strangest duo I've encountered thus far. For a while I thought maybe I could be friends with the Hun but after tonight-- now way Jose.
After the meeting, she confronted me about how she doesn't like to mix her personal life with her program life. I said that I look at things more holistically and most of my closest friends I've met in 12 step rooms. Anyway, she babbled on about how she didn't want to be gossipped about etc. I couldn't believe it. I was sitting there, one foot from the grave (been going through some tough emotional times - first meeting back after being gone for a while) and this is the crap I have to deal with. Nebbish was the one who started the whole thing anyway, and I said to him, "Hey maybe you should be in this conversation." To which he replied, "No I do not want to discuss this. I will not." He was very dismissive which I had put up with in previous times, but not when I have a fuse about an inch long. I blew out of there and tried to get to my car as soon as possible.
I started hyperventilating and crying and trying to catch my breath. I called one of my friends who was shunned by this group about 2 years ago for not passing the Hun's probationary period, and started heaving and crying and splatting all over the place. Of course I went through the McDonald's Drive Thru to get my Diet Coke (see previous post). The guy felt so sorry for me because I was hysterical that he only took my dollar and didn't want the .83 that was due. This should tell you how hysterical I was.
I know that when something effects me this strongly that it is an old pain. It's an ache from long ago. It's the craggly hole in my heart that was left or never filled by the childhood that I grew up in. I wasn't so upset by the Hun and the Nebbish, but they were certainly the catalyst that brought it on.
I finally calmed down as I got home and talked it out with my friend who shall be forever named WaterMaiden. The WaterMaiden had just listened and that's all I really needed as I drove down that dark road towards home.