Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Feelings, whoa whoa whoa ... Feelings


I had a lot of feelings today. It doesn't surprise me when I look at my posts and see that I haven't really written anything substantial in a few days, but put funny stuff up instead. Laughing and being light is important, but I knew the sad day was right around the corner. Aunt Flow has come for a visit and always makes me sad or feel more intense feelings than usual.

I found out that my friend who lives near me will be moving to Oregon today. I didn't think she was moving so fast. I live in a suburb of San Francisco and she is pretty much the only friend I have down here on the peninsula. When I left the FA program (cult), I had to let go of a lot of friendships that were based in that fellowship.

I felt so alone and sad today and I realized that food thoughts came rambling through my mind. I had been free of them for 3 weeks, but today there they were...plain as day...just a ramblin' through my mind. I didn't have to act on them. If a commercial came on that had food I would say to myself, I've had plenty of that over my lifetime...I've had my share.

I'm grateful that I didn't punish myself today for being sad. It is normal to be sad when a friend is moving away. The thing is this...I want to move too...I'd like to be in NYC or Chicago or anywhere but California. I feel as if I've worn out my welcome in this state. I've lived here all my life and I'm dunzo. The problem is that I'm not working because I had my doctor put me on disability until I can lose some more weight, since I still have problems standing for any length of time, etc. It's getting better but I'm not there yet.

The other thing is my career, or lack of career. I was in sales and account management when I was thin, then when I got fat again and fired I decided to dumb down my resume to get any kind of job. I got an admin job which I got fired from after 6 months...something about an attitude problem.

So, here I am. If I wasn't so debilitated for the past year I would have liked to go to graduate school and start working in the mental health field but the weight prevented me from that. The food and the weight have stolen so much from me. And I opened the door and let the robbers inside. I'm not blaming myself as much as taking responsibility.

So, I was sad today. Feelings are not facts. I heard that many moons ago. My feelings say "I have no friends." "I'm all alone." "Nobody likes me." "I'm a loser." "I'll never be okay." Feelings, not facts.

Bad Day:
Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out
Wrong
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that
Strong
Well I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You see what you like
And how does it feel, one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

3 comments:

Michelle said...

You're right...a friend moving away is sad and it's okay to feel that. You didn't turn to food, you walked yourself through it. That's a really big step in this journey you're on.
What about going to school this fall? It might not be too late to apply for a grant. Here in Texas the last day is July 1st. You could take a couple internt courses and maybe a 1 or 2 on campus. You could put those classes on a different day, so you could pace the walking you'd need to do.
You could set some goals and move towards a career in the mental health field and at the same time have a goal to move somewhere you've always wanted to live. It'd give you something to do from day to day. You'd meet new people and you'd have something to look forward to.
Anyway, it's just a thought. I wish you all the best and of course I'll be around to cheer you on the whole way. I'm sure there are a lot of your "Blog Fans" that'll root you on.
~M

Vickie said...

Michelle took the words right out of my mouth. Doing college tours with my 16 year old son and LOTS of classes are available on internet from REGULAR universities.
People take on-line because they are cheaper, concentrated, convenient, and they have same credit. This would move you toward your goal, give you something to DO, and give you more to think about.

Sorry about your friend - that has happened to me SO many times and it is awful each time.

Chin up - we hear you.
Baby Steps V
At least maintain

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about "your friend" (she'll remain anonymous)leaving. Glad to hear you didn't take it out on yourself, but showed up feelings and all. Tough to do, I know. By the way, I agree with M from Texas in all the myriad of ways. Big hugs,
Insightful Ingrid