Saturday, December 22, 2007
A fellow sufferer out there responded to a very old post on this old blog of mine which gave me reason to read through what I had written. January 2006!~ So much has changed. All of the things that were blocked from me before are available now. And, being 293 lbs. feels real good. Ya, that's right - I said it -- two hundred ninety-fucking-three pounds. 427 sucked. 293...not bad.
It's that time of year again. The anniversary of my failed attempt at ending my life - the beginning of gaining 200 lbs. back and the emotion filled me at the emotion-less Christmas.
I find myself thirsting for spirituality these days. I'm almost ready to suspend disbelief and go back to Catholic Church. I just might. It's hard for me when I get literal but I have to get some connection going.
My mom visited me this weekend. We had a nice time and that was good. It's amazing that I can do anything now - I can go for a stroll - I can stand - I can fit in a booth at a restaurant. I've learned alot over the past two years about my emotions and how to have them and how to hold them at times when an emotional breakdown is not acceptable.
I've worked hard. My mom gave me this awesome book that she said taught the things that she should have taught me when I was young. The book is so wonderful and right-on target and you can get it for FREE just click on the link. The 5 Keys to Wellness by Kelly Mather
My food has been a little sloppy lately. I had a huge blowout with my Denver family. I had "given" a business to my sister-inlaw and she totally screwed it up. My brother is going through a hard time and said something to me that made me spin out: "Why don't you go kill yourself, isn't that your holiday thing?"
That was just a little more pain than I could take. Buddhist philosophy says that Pain is Necessary Suffering is Optional and I try to keep that in my mind but sometimes it's only small moments that I get relief. I've been wanting to be soothed and food is my number one balm. I have dabbled in nuts, sugar free cool whip, sugar free pudding and that's it. And they make me sick. And I feel horrible. And I am stopped. I am stopped as of this moment. I am not going to soothe myself with food. Game Over. I'm not going back. God, help me - I'm not going back to using the food again -- I can't do it. The food is a rapacious predator that will control me and I won't be able to put it down. So, stay stopped. STAY STOPPED.
If you are out there and you feel like you can't imagine going another moment or another day without binging or stuffing yourself or having treats -- you are probably right. YOU can't stop. I can't stop. But, together we can.
I highly recommend going to the Los Angeles Overeaters Anonymous website and listening to some of the speakers. The recovery is strong there. I know that OA is not strong everywhere - so please go listen to some recovery. (You do realize I'm talking to my self -- right?-- because I would never dictate to another addict -- it wouldn't work anyway).
peace out my friends...stay stopped!