Thursday, June 29, 2006

My Family - The Camdens they are Not

I don't know how much I can write about my family because its way too tender and painful to me. I have two younger brothers who are married with children, while I remain single and lonely and fat. I was the "hero" of the family while growing up. I was the second adult in the house even as a child. But the tables have turned and now I'm the identified "patient", ruiner of all family events, because I'm emotional. They label me emotional as if its a crime. A better word for me is sensitive.

My brother who I call Fat Cat is a cigar-smoking, highball drinking monetary success. He has the fancy cars, the fancy house, the perfect child and lives in Sacramento where we grew up.

My other brother lives in Denver and has two great kids, a beautiful wife, and a perfect life from the outside.

One thing I can't deny is that both of my brothers have been able to sustain their relationships for years and I have yet to be able to date someone for more than 3 months. I don't count the time I was married in my young twenties to a Moroccan guy who we assume wanted citizenship, but I was to naive to know that. I should've raked some moulah in from that exchange, but I trust too much and often don't see the truth of a situation.

My point is this: I am so lonely here and I just want somebody to want me around. My brother in Sacramento says that I'd hate it there, which I'm sure I would. My brother in Denver said I wouldn't like it there because its too recreational and I wouldn't fit in.

So, here I sit, full of feelings, abstinent, and trying to cope. Thinking about what I will do next. What kind of job will I go for? Will I get fired again? Will everyone hate me because I'm fat? Why are people all moving away? Why can't somebody take me under their wing? That's all I've ever wanted was to be taken under someone's wing until I can fly. It's sad that at 40, I still haven't found a wing to hide under and feel safe. Granted, this wing operation should've happened when I was a child, but it didn't.

I have to be careful to not dwell to heavily on this because it sends me into a spiral of deep depression and sadness. Oh, how I long to be loved and cared about. I want to be held and safe. I don't think its going to happen anytime soon.

I'm scared.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

My favorite song -WhiteStripes

Fall is here, hear the yell
Back to school, ring the bell
Brand new shoes, walking blues
Climb the fence, book and pens
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Walk with me, Suzy Lee
Through the park, by the tree
We will rest upon the ground
And look at all the bugs we've found
Then safely walk to school
Without a sound
Then safely walk to school
Without a sound

Here we are, no one else
We walked to school all by ourselves
There's dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it's time to learn
We clean up and now it's time to learn

Numbers, letters, learn to spell
Nouns, and books, and show and tell
At playtime we will throw the ball
Back to class, through the hall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
The teacher marks our height against the wall

We don't notice any time pass
We don't notice anything
We sit side by side in every class
Teacher thinks that I sound funny
But she likes the way you sing

Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
When silly thoughts go through my head
About the bugs and alphabet
And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
That you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we are going to be friends
Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends

Another Scrubs Moment - enjoy

Feelings, whoa whoa whoa ... Feelings

I had a lot of feelings today. It doesn't surprise me when I look at my posts and see that I haven't really written anything substantial in a few days, but put funny stuff up instead. Laughing and being light is important, but I knew the sad day was right around the corner. Aunt Flow has come for a visit and always makes me sad or feel more intense feelings than usual.

I found out that my friend who lives near me will be moving to Oregon today. I didn't think she was moving so fast. I live in a suburb of San Francisco and she is pretty much the only friend I have down here on the peninsula. When I left the FA program (cult), I had to let go of a lot of friendships that were based in that fellowship.

I felt so alone and sad today and I realized that food thoughts came rambling through my mind. I had been free of them for 3 weeks, but today there they were...plain as day...just a ramblin' through my mind. I didn't have to act on them. If a commercial came on that had food I would say to myself, I've had plenty of that over my lifetime...I've had my share.

I'm grateful that I didn't punish myself today for being sad. It is normal to be sad when a friend is moving away. The thing is this...I want to move too...I'd like to be in NYC or Chicago or anywhere but California. I feel as if I've worn out my welcome in this state. I've lived here all my life and I'm dunzo. The problem is that I'm not working because I had my doctor put me on disability until I can lose some more weight, since I still have problems standing for any length of time, etc. It's getting better but I'm not there yet.

The other thing is my career, or lack of career. I was in sales and account management when I was thin, then when I got fat again and fired I decided to dumb down my resume to get any kind of job. I got an admin job which I got fired from after 6 months...something about an attitude problem.

So, here I am. If I wasn't so debilitated for the past year I would have liked to go to graduate school and start working in the mental health field but the weight prevented me from that. The food and the weight have stolen so much from me. And I opened the door and let the robbers inside. I'm not blaming myself as much as taking responsibility.

So, I was sad today. Feelings are not facts. I heard that many moons ago. My feelings say "I have no friends." "I'm all alone." "Nobody likes me." "I'm a loser." "I'll never be okay." Feelings, not facts.

Bad Day:
Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that
Well I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You see what you like
And how does it feel, one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Something Light


If you didn't see this episode of Scrubs, you simply must.


Monday, June 26, 2006

Help I need somebody

No, not just anybody...(imagine the tune of the Beatles song..)

I'm looking for a fairy godmother or godfather to help me get a new computer....mine is on the fritz. If anybody happens upon this blog that has lots of dough, click on the Donate button.


Off the subject --Hilarious

Ok this is pretty funny...I laughed my tookus off.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

My Neighbor Bought A Hummer

I can't believe it! I go on and on about Urban Assault Vehicles (earth destroyers) and now I have one on my block. My neighbor, who can be desribed as a "blockhead". I'm sure he's on 'roids as he is a huge muscular beefhead with a small Asian girlfriend that he bosses around. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but it ain't pretty I'm sure.

This dumbo just bought a bright yellow HUMMER. It incites me. I can't believe people drive these things and feel okay about it. There is no need for a Hummer unless you're doing work for the UN in an underdeveloped country. We don't need Hummers in San Mateo, CA. I can tell you the only assaults happening in this little town are the ones being perpetrated by this asshole.

I know this isn't in theme with my usual posts, but ugh I'm beside myself with this.

Big Body and Small Life

I borrowed the title from Frances Kuffel's blog on Amazon. I think it sums it up pretty well. I have two weeks of abstinence now and the high has worn off. I keep a log daily about my mood and usage of substances like nicotine and caffeine. I have noticed that as my suicidal depression has improved my level of fear has skyrocketed.

I am so afraid. I've always been afraid. Hidden behind my gregarious personality is a really scared person. I think part of getting thin really activated that intensly. As I got skinny, I felt things so much more than I did when I was in the food. The food masks so much and soothes like none other. I think that is why it is so important to do the work I am doing now. I am vigilantly working on new coping skills. It is really important that I learn to manage my sensitivity and be able to live in this world, fat or thin.

I started getting very fearful that I won't lose enough weight. Please note that I'm coming from 427 lbs. I have lost 200 lbs. at a time - twice already. But I don't think that I will get really skinny this time. The last time I lost weight I really tried to hide the fact that I had ever been fat. I was very embarrassed that I had been fat. People would say, "You look so good". I thought to myself, "Yea, but I should have never been fat in the first place, so it's really not an accomplishment." I think there's a nugget of dysfunction in that thinking. I have to admit that I still think this way.

My world is very small right now. I'm not working because I asked my doctor to put me on disability. I did this because it's hard for me to walk from the parking lot to the office door. It's difficult for me to stand at a copy machine and make copies. It's hard for me to do just about anything.

I do what I can though. I am actively in a class now studying DBT skills which is an excellent therapy that marries the spiritual (Eastern philosphies) and the psychology (cognitive). It's working well for me. After 2 weeks, I wasn't suicidal anymore and I got abstinent. But I still have such negative thoughts.

I've been trying to do a little more each day. I went and got my nails done today. I went to the car wash. Most days I go to Starbucks and sit in the comfy chair and read a book. I try to get out. But I go to safe places for myself.

I think after 2 weeks of abstinence I should've dropped 100 lbs. by now. But the fact is that although I can stand and cook my meals for myself, I still get very worn out by the end of the day.

I want to join a water exercise class, but my willingness is quite low as you can imagine. Going to a new place in a bathing suit scares the crap out of me.

Here's a pic of the way it was....My niece, Brooke, is now turning 3, and I talk to her on the phone and she tells me that she wants to buy me a pink whipstick. (she doesn't pronounce L's very well). It's so adorable. I want to visit her in Colorado, but let's face much fun would Auntie Chele be at this weight? I just need to continue. Simply resume. Evaluate and Correct. It is what it is. Peace!
Well, that's enough of me for right now...


Saturday, June 24, 2006

All about the Boob Tube

I have a new site where I write about all things TV, Movies, Pop Culture. Take a gander:

Old Posts from Yonder Year

These are a compilation of posts I migrated from my other blog. I changed my blog address because I had alot of people who knew me that read that blog. I wanted to be able to express anything I wanted, and with an audience of people who knew me, I felt I couldn't do that. Enjoy if you would like...

Well here I go again on my own...(forgive the Whitesnake reference). I guess its because I’ve been living in CelebReality on Vh1. I have exhausted all my efforts to go about getting clean off of white powdery substances that now I must re-enter the 12 step program that has saved my life twice. Before you go and assume that I’m “riding the
rails” or “taking a ski trip”, etc., let me tell you that my white powdery substances are more cunning and baffling than any illegal substance on the market.

Yes my friends, my substance is one you can get at any corner store, gas station, or major market. I am a food addict addicted to sugars and starches and it has debilitated my life.

At one time a svelte size 8 and 15 months later over 400 lbs. Introduce me
to a gutter drunk that has that kind of track record....

I was trying to find another way to get this weight off. I hate that "getting the weight off" is such a negative connotation for a part of who I am. This extra weight I carry is a part of me and when it does become less, it will still be with me, it doesn't go away. It lives in
my memory and unfortunately the fat cell never forgets. Much like the elephant, the fat cell retains memory of the fat that once graced its membrane long after the fat is gone.

I tried many things since that dreadful Chirstmas day in 2003. I will reveal more about that day as time goes on. I went away to a rehab for eating disordered people. Remind me to tell that story sometime. I went through a 16 month period in outpatient eating disorder recovery. Its not easy being the only fat one in the room, if you know what I mean. I wanted to get the "surgery" but was rejected because I'm too fat! How fucked is that!
Too fat for obesity surgery...C'mon!

So, back to the only thing that ever worked for me and gave me a life that I never thought possible. I was free at one time. Free from the counting calories, the constant nagging of a craving, free from feeling so fucking gross.

Whew! made it threw one day without the white powdery substances! One day makes such a difference. When I'm "in the food" (I know that sounds as if I'm using the hole of the donut as an intertube, but bear with, wouldya?)...going 30 minutes without putting something sweet into my mouth seems impossible and I'm completely unwillinging to go without. But something changes when you have 24 hours of abstinence. It seems possible today to not use.

For today I won't go into the details of where this addiction has broken my life down in ways you can't imagine unless you can visualize the following:

Imagine a rock;
This rock is not round and smooth, but jagged and its the kind that hurts your foot if you step on it,
Imagine this rock is at the bottom of the waste dump in your city
Imagine this waste dump has been there since the city's inception many moons ago
Imagine the rock fell into this waste heep and immediately slid to the bottom
That's where you'll find me!

Quote of the Day "Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and
disappointments, but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in
their proper figures."
– Joseph Addison

If it is true, as a wise person once said to me, that our happiness is in direct proporation to our pain, or vice versa. I think the point of the comment was to comfort me in all my pain and let me know that the deeper pain I have had, the greatest happiness that is available. But let's disect this: does that mean my happiness will be my measure of happiness? So, if I am the rock in the bottom of the heap (read yesterday's post to find out about the rock), does that mean the rock's happiness would be something like perhaps getting to the top of thetrash heap? Or, would the rock's happiness be flowing in some brook somewhere? I'd like to be flowing in a brook somewhere, but I think I'd be lucky just tomake it out of the bottom of the trash heap.

Four days ago all I could think about was getting the new food item. It became very challenging because nothing was hitting the spot. I couldn't find that food that would "do it for me". In conjunction with finding the perfect food, I had to coordinate with myself as to how to get these foods. When you're 4 franklins, you can't just saunter into anyplace and pick up what you want. There is strategy involved people.

First and foremost, I have to move. That is a challenge in itself. Moving entails getting up and finding a shroud that will cover my body. At the same time, I have to wedge myself into the japanese car (I think the Japanese hate fat people!). Now that we're in the car, where should we go? A drive-thru is always a safe option because most of the time the people that work at the drive-thru don't speak good English, so if they are making fun of me or making a comment, I usually couldn't understand it. It becomes pretty sad when the drive-thru staff gets to know your order so well, I wouldn't even have to tell them what I wanted. They would say, "Drive Forward", and tell me the price and I would give them the money and voila!, the order was ready.

But always going through a drive-thru doesn't provide you with all you need to satisfy the addict beast inside. I had to go "in" somewhere to get those items. Now, this poses more problems than you think. Since I have a small frame with alot of flesh, my bones can't support me very well. So I would have to strategize on how to get around the store in under 5 minutes, and if there is a line in the store, I am likely to be in a lot of pain (face wincing, sweating, etc.). But because I was in the food, I had to get this stuff and wincing aside, the job had to be completed. So after the purchases were made, back to the wedging in the car. I don't think I mentioned the hoisting involved when getting out of the car. I'll talk about that at a later time. So back home we go...hoist out of the car, grab the bags, hurry and get to the door, (please don't let me run into anyone), get in the house, put the bag on the counter, and strip out of the binding shroud and into clothes that
have "give". Bumble over to the bag, grab it and take it to the couch and then the games begin. For a little while, I am in my own world, relief has set in, away from the world, and their judgments, and it's just me and my "stuff". I'm telling you people, food addiction is just like heroin addiction!! Are you seeing the similarities?

Now being full, the high wears off a bit because I have to get up again and go to the bathroom (mainly because my body rejects sugar and flour—so the bathroom becomes a frequent destination for me). I'll save you the details on that, but being this big requires alot of apparatuses to take care of business. Nuff said.

So the anatomy of a binge. I've always hated that binge word as it denotes that there is a "session" of eating, but the truth is there were no sessions for was a way of being.

I finally got the courage to go and have my hair "did". When you're four hunsky, getting your hair "did" is not a priority, not only because caring about my hair was not a priority, but also because it is so humiliating to show up at a hair shop. Here's one reason:

Small chairs and Big Ass. Not a good combo. Fuck the Italians and their screwed haute design chairs. Who would be comfortable in this? Not me.

Fatty Saves Her Pride

Anyway, in typical fat girl fashion, I found myself making the people in the salon laugh the entire time I was there. I have to admit I was pretty damn funny. But the pain of the whole experience was too much to bear so I had to draw attention away from the pain and turn on the humor.

I did about 45 minutes on Jonathan from Blow Out. Jonathan is the most self-focused guy I've ever seen on TV and I've watched alot of TV.

I absolutely loathe him, but of course I still watch. I'm obsessed with my hair and always have been. I've been trying to get "bangin" hair as Jonathan would say since I was 7. So with that said you can imagine the pain I have been in while gaining all this weight to go so long with a hair do!

I think the amazing thing is this: I realized that my humor worked for me in this situation. It actually saved my sanity because I wouldn't have been able to tolerate the pain if I hadn't been cracking everyone up.

My writings have been very cathartic for me. To sit down and post my thoughts for the day is like a new generation journal. In my previous posts I have bashed a certain 12 step program and beat it into a pulp. After re-reading it, I realize just how sad and hurt I was about my experience there. I bet the first and foremost hurt is one that is brought on by me. I think I wanted the weight issue to be gone forever. It's baaaccck. This disappointed me.

Being at this weight, in excess of 4 bills, has taken away the following things in my life:

  • Attaining a Master's Degree in Psychology/Social Work
  • Following my dream of working in the mental health field
  • The ability to go to any show I want
  • The ability to go to any activity
  • The ability to care for myself in a natural way
  • The ability to go for a walk
  • The ability to form a lasting partnership with another human being
  • The ability to have a job
  • The ability to add to society
  • The ability to go on a trip
  • The ability to find clothes that fit
  • The ability to find shoes that fit
  • The desire to dress becomingly
  • Respect for myself

I notice that alot of these missing areas of my life involve "ability". And that is what this disease has taken from me, the ability. After almost 3 weeks of abstinence from flour and sugar, things are getting better. I get bogged down in the details of how long this will take for me to get to a reasonable weight where I can once again participate in life and maybe even attain a dream.

The debilitating nature of morbid obesity is fatal. The thing with this disease is it kills slowly and painfully. After I was fired from yet another job, I wanted to jump in front of a train, literally. I found help and have been going to a group to get that kind of thinking in check, however, with morbid obesity, sometimes suicide sounds like the only option. It's just too hard sometimes.

Today, in my group we talked about "burden". I immediately started getting very emotional. There is something about that word that really resonated. I feel like a real burden to my mother who seems to be the only one in my family that wants anything to do with me. It makes me so sad. I know that I can't depend on her as its too taxing to depend on one person. My mother has always been there for me and has never abandoned me. My father and my brothers on the other hand always do. The men in my family don't like to be present for the bad times. This is a bad time and I feel totally rejected.

The media is really going nuts on this obesity epidemic sound bite. They show the pictures of the headless obese people walking around and discuss the fact that the US is getting fatter and fatter. Gastric Bypass surgery is becoming so common and yet we continue to get fat.

This proves that Gastric Bypass, Optifast, Diet Center, Jenny Craig, 12 step programs, etc, are merely tools to use on the journey, but not the end of the need for tools. It also discredits my belief that "nobody likes a fat woman". I remember while growing up my mom would say to me, "Nobody is going to hire you if you're fat. Nobody will want to date you if you're fat." I was only 160 lbs. then. I think this has always stuck with me. Relationships have been quite difficult for me not only with men but with the workplace as well. I still need to write about how many times I've been fired.

I lost 200 lbs., twice, in 12 step rooms. It didn't cost me a dime and I didn't have to go under general anesthesia to lose weight, yet I found myself after 2 1/2 years of abstinence and a 200 lb weight loss, in the same place as Carnie. The difference between us has been that I don't have my insides rearranged to prevent severe weight gain and I quickly gained 200 lbs in less than a year.

…And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today (AA Big Book, pg. 449) I have always loved that passage and I think it applies to all of life's ills. Today, I have been thinking alot about sensationalists and rumors and real support. I have been young in my decision-making – too trusting, too desperate, too scared. I don't want to support any group that does not honor people of size as acceptable.

In Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (Feebleminded Anonymous), it is required that a person have 90 days of prescribed abstinence before they can speak at a meeting. Please understand that these are 12-step meetings and they are based on the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous. This requirement of 90 days is a blatant disregard for the steps and traditions that have made AA last since 1935.

The enlightenment I am getting now as I look back upon my experience in Feebleminded Anonymous has woken me up to some truths that are hard to swallow and make me sad. As a Fatty, I entered the program because I was "desperate". Because of the world's views and my own views, I felt I was unacceptable at 240 lbs., 337 lbs., and 400 lbs. I really believed that my problems and low self-worth were based on my size. I found out as I lost 200 lbs. twice in a 10 year period that I was just as self-loathing in a small body as I was in a large one.

It is true that for a while I was elated to be a small size. I was able to do things that I hadn't been able to do in a large body and I celebrated this fact. However, deep inside I was so sad. I cried all the time. People would say to me, "What is wrong with you? You're thin! You should be happy!" These comments I believed to be true and felt even worse for feeling so bad. I really believed something was wrong with me. Something was terribly wrong with me and I couldn't figure it out. I became even more self-loathing and the only soother that has ever made me feel safe was to eat alot of cake! Well, this put me in the doghouse to be sure. The pattern continued as I beat myself over the head trying to convince myself if I just abstained then I would get to the root issue and I would feel whole.

For me, I do believe that abstaining from sugar and flour is important. My body does seem to have a serious reaction to these substances. I truly believe I am addicted to these things. However, it is not a moral issue. I'm not a good person if I don't eat them and a bad fatty if I do. It's a new way of thinking for me. I'm working hard on this. I don't want to hate myself anymore.

I think it is important to tell you why I want to abstain and have the result of losing weight.

  • It is very hard for me to be mobile at this weight.
  • The activities I enjoy require me to have mobility.

That is it! It is simple. I have never shamed another fat person nor do I find fat people wrong or bad or lazy or disgusting. I know the Feebleminded Anonymous program is full of haters. My sadness tonight has surfaced because I realize that my friends in that program and myself included have had to hate fat. It's such a criminal act to be fat or "in the food" or "struggling with the food".

As Fatties, we clamor to these member's every word and follow our sponsor's direction to the very last detail with the belief that if we do not, we will surely suffer. There is such a polarity going on for obese people right now. There are the losers who abstain or get surgery or participate in weight loss schemes. I notice these people are really
afraid to notice or get close to the opposite camp, which is Fat Acceptance. The losers (losers of weight --- not losers in society) are afraid if they embrace Fat Acceptance, they will stay fat. The Fat Acceptance camp is afraid and angry to go back to the losers because of the shame, humiliation, and exasperation they have for their past experiences.

I am in the middle. I want to lose excess weight because I want to be able to work again, walk freely, and be comfortable. I also want to promote fat acceptance. I want to scream from the hilltop to all my friends, please don't hate yourself into weight loss. It won't work, it won't last, and please love yourself into acceptance. Don't be afraid of the Fat Acceptance. Embrace it and don't deny who you are.

I think Feebleminded Anonymous is a very DANGEROUS program for Fatties. There are alot of people in that program that really aren't Food Addicts of the variety I am speaking about. A Food Addict of my variety is seriously ill and will be homebound or dead from the addiction. A "lightweight" as I call them, will never know what it is like to be homebound or have trouble with getting to work because they can't walk very far.

My statistics show me that the people of size in Feebleminded Anonymous don't have long-term weight maintenance. They definitely achieve weight loss, but weight maintenance has alluded us. We are either on our way up and feeling like we don't belong on the planet any longer or on our way down and full of hope that we are doing the right thing...following the righteous path. The people of size in Feebleminded Anonymous continue to try to fit their round bodies into the square hole. Your goal weight in this program is determined by your height so if you are 5' then you are to weight 100 lbs. If you are 5'4, you are to weight 120. A number of studies have shown that formerly obese people should never lose that much weight. My goal weight at 5'5 should be 185 according to these studies. This would be heresy in Feebleminded Anonymous.

It is with a humble heart and a hope for the future of at least those Fatties that read my writings that we can support each other into loving ourselves, and EACH OTHER no matter what weight we are.

Friday, June 23, 2006

just one more

this post is for it will be always available when i want to look at it....if you haven't gone to yet and listened to his really are missing out...

Gather up the troops

What you are about to read may be shocking, angering, and motivating. The man in the post ahead is SO NOT DANE COOK. The prick ahead couldn't even come close to being a real man. (just had to find a reason to mention dane cook...god i love him) .
I removed the original post that was here because it was affecting the person that perpetrated it in the first place. I don't want to cause any undue stress to anyone. I will say this: This original post was about a girl from another website who posted a story about a guy who she thought dumped her because she was fat. When she visited this website, she found out that he had an entire story about a gym experience where he nicknamed people. The fat girl in the story was named "A TRAIN". This incited alot of anger to the readers of the girls blog to the tune of over 2000 readers went to his site and told them what they thought.

My posting for today was because I was angered when I checked in at his site an found out that he had described the experience of getting such an increased amount of traffic as a "rotund" experience. I thought to myself, this pompous ass just doesn't get it So I reprinted the original posting from the girl's site and gave a link to the idiot's site so we could all leave our 2 cents.

The moron contacted me on Gmail and told me what an awful and mean and bad person I was to post that. He pleaded with me to take it down in between telling me how awful of a person I was. I believe he used the word violent. Anyway, I could have left it up, but I don't want to have to hurt someone to do it.

With that being said, if you want links to the original stories, please let me know.

Over and out

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I'm a real bargain!

Operators are standing by! I'm going fast....ACT NOW!

I am worth $996,028 on


Another Bulimic Comes Out


It's so obvious that the word got out McPhee was a bulimic and the Idol PR people (very good PR i must say) got rolling and gave an interview to People (click here) to spin the story in their favor. They say that McPhee is a "recovering" bulimic and that she wasn't bulimic while on the show....

Uh huh. sure.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Nestle to buy fat buster Jenny Craig

This is just so typical of big business. Nestle, the maker of all things bingeable buys Jenny Craig who has claimed that they help people lose weight. They never helped me- you an believe that. My experience at Jenny Craig was stupid. I was 22 and I asked my dad (absent father, compulsive gambler), who at the time had just won big at the races, to help me finance Jenny Craig. I begged him and told him that this would be it. This time it would really work.

In my family you have to act fast if it involves money. If you don't take the money today, it most definitely will be gone tomorrow. So dear ol' dad sends me some moolah to go to Jenny. I go in and they set me up with all this paper food. Of course my favorite was the mac n cheese and the french toast. I ate all of the week's food in 2 days. When I went back to Jenny Craig for my "counseling appt", there was a girl in a white coat (implying that she had some kind of knowledge in nutritional arts) who sat me down and tried to tell me if I took Jenny's new vitamin concoction it would help me.

I left after that and never returned. Fuck Jenny!

That was just one of the escapades I had in the diet business. But I think it is really fucked that Nestle would own Jenny Craig. I think its fucked that Monsanto tries to sell the world on its vision of "helping" the world with their genetically manufactured seeds and putting the family farmer out of business and killing all of us with their chemicals.

I blame the last 8 years of horror in our government for the escalation of all this madness. I know corporations have been doing fucked up things far longer than I've even been alive, but this Nestle thing just bugged the crap out of me.

I usually don't get so political. Go see the Al Gore movie, dammit!

You owe it to yourselves to know the truth.

Monday, June 19, 2006

My Theme Song

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

Sunday, June 18, 2006


<----DANE COOK (a sexy comedian which is usually an oxymoron, but seriously this guy makes my mouth water).

I haven't been too inspired to write today, but I have been laughing alot since I am watching alot of comedians. I wanted to point out a few to you so you can make sure to see them if they come to a town near you or you have Tivo and you can put them on your wishlist:

Bobby Lee
Louis CK - has a new HBO show "Lucky Louie"
Jim Norton - crass and awful but makes me laugh anyway
Dane Cook - hot and funny (HBO show Tourgasm)
Kathy Griffin - my wannabe BFF (seen her live and it's a MUST)
Dana Gould - he's writing for the Simpsons now, but he still does a little standup

That's enough to get you started. Let me know how it goes.

Bobby Lee

I know alot about comedians because at one time many moons ago, I was one. One of my favorites right now is Bobby Lee from MADTV. Check this out...I guarantee you will pee your pants.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

New Profile Picture - You choose

Choose my new profile pic:

Feeders and Gainers

I never knew about this fetish circle called "feeders and gainers" until I gave a ride to someone to an OA meeting. She was a newcomer and came in around 3 and some change. She unfortunately had stubble on her face because, as she said, she'd been shaving for years. Unfortunate.

Anyway, she was telling me all about this feeder and gainer thing. I had never heard anything so sick in my life. Well, now there's a damn movie about it at the festival. Check it out:

Feed is a crime movie that delves into the underbelly of "feeders" and "gainers." It was like the most perverse episode of "CSI" ever with its love of obscure fetishes and subcultures. Feed follows an Australian cop as he pursues a buff and blond psychopath whose mommy issues lead him to seek out large and lovely ladies. The "gainers" languish in bed in all their enormous naked glory waiting for their feeder to show up and hand feed them burgers and donuts and high-calorie shakes.

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Anorexic Incident

Ok, so it's hot here. We all know that because I talk about it alot. Ugh, I'm schvitzing. I've run out of protein in my house so I know there must be a venture outdoors for me today.
Ahh, but first I want to go to McD's and get my delicious Large Diet Coke with extra ice, please. That'll be 1.83 at the window. Thank you.
I have a little routine where I get my diet coke (nectar of the Gods) and proceed over to air-conditioned Starbucks and sit on down in the big purple chair and finish reading whatever book I'm into at the time. Well, friends, here' s a recommendation:

DO NOT FINISH A BOOK THAT MIGHT EVEN MAKE YOU WEEP OR CRY OR EVEN HAS AN INKLING OF THIS POTENTIAL in a Starbucks filled with computer nerds who are devoid of any emotion.

I finished the Geneen Roth book about her cat and her dad and the craggly hole and I started weeping. Very uncomfortable. The geek next to me was uncomfortable too. The geek across from me looked like he was going to climb under his table. "Oh no, an emotion has broken loose. Take cover.!"

Needless to say, the book was short, sweet and very touching and it taught me something. I do have this craggly hole in my heart and it has never been filled by anything outside. I thought being thin would be the answer - because isn't that what we are told; that if we just lost a little weight then things would be perfect. The hole felt more intense the thinner I got. That was the first time around. The second time around I thought -- I'm gonna heal this hole. I'm gonna go to therapy, study meditation, be of service, date, find a man, wear cute clothes, and never eat to solve my emotional discomfort again. Uh, wait -- program interruptus! That wasn't the answer either, although I think all the therapy and spiritual endeavors have added to the person I am and I kinda like that person. But, I'm fat so I can't like myself too much. It's not allowed.

So, here's this hole and it's too big to ignore. It demands attention. It demands more attention now than it ever did. Perhaps, it's because I'm older or maybe because I am less social so there isn't much distraction. I learned that this hole is fillable with love. Love can be such a grand word with so much meaning. I can't force another person to love me the way the hole wants to be filled. I've gone to the wall time and time-again trying to get that kind of love that would fill this hole. A friend of mine says it's like going to the hardware store for a haircut.

This love that I seek is from within. How many times has someone told you to just love yourself and all will be well? Well, isn't that like saying, "Just lose the weight and all will be well." I've been as mystified by fat as I have been by love. The thing about this book and what it meant to me was that I am who I am right now--a fat woman who has been through hell and back not just with weight but with emotions as well. For a very long time I longed to be one of those easy-going (water off a duck's back) people. I tried and tried to be less sensitive and change myself. Program Interruptus again! Not possible. My package is sensitive, handle with care. That's the way it is. I don't want to change it anymore. What I do want is to grow into this hole and accept that it is there and I keep it the way it is because it is what it is. (how many times can i use the word "is"?). I believe we keep ourselves safe by any means necessary, hence, the weight, the solitude, the sarcasm, the over-neediness for other people. I can accept that today.

It is what it is.


So, you may be asking yourself, what was the anorexic incident? Well, just to let you know that I'm not singing from the mountaintop with all the self-love and peace in my body...let me relay a story that is fresh in my mind...join me won't you--

Today - I'm schvitzing and my 7 minutes of standing time is coming to a close and I'm at Safeway. I'm depositing a check that I got and there is a chair to sit in, so I promptly sit down all the while thinking this will give me a recharge and I'll be able to do my shopping. This fucking anorexic is in front of me at the ATM-- I hate her. For some reason, I just hate her. She's 30 but looks 50. I hate her. She makes me angry. I'm not sure if it's because I'm hot or that she's in front of me, or that I simply just hate her. I didn't know that I would see her again.

I finished my shopping, deposited my check and proceeded to the checkout line which was 4 miles long. One checker and two meth addicts who just got their county checks were buying a boatload of groceries...two carts full..and these are American sized carts - so they're big. The line is long and guess who's in line..that's right-- anorexic bitch.

They make a big announcement:

We need checkers here. Checkers to the checkout immediately. STAT!

This nice checker comes up to me and says he'll take me at #5. I said that the woman beside me was waiting longer so please take her first. Well Rexi was behind her and looked at me dead-on and said, "Well what are we gonna do here?" (ps. the items in her basket were Hersheys chocolate syrup and 48 bottles of water and a head of iceberg lettuce -- WEIRD REXI). Anyway, I was hot and I was reaching my maximum stnading time and I said, "What do you mean what are we going to do here?" She replied, "We've been waiting." I said, "Well why don't I just go over here then." She says, "That's a good idea." And I said louder and more irritated, "Yeah, I'll just go over here." And right before I said, "Ya know, Rexi, I don't think anorexics really eat Hershey's syrup, are you sure you want to get that?"--the checker said, I'll take you now. Saved by the checker. I was really gonna go off on her. I hate her.

Nice ending to a multiple personality post--



Thursday, June 15, 2006


From the ONION:

Pope Makes First Papal Visit To Six Flags

June 14, 2006 | Issue 42•24

EUREKA, MO—Pope Benedict XVI returned to Rome today following a historic, three-day trip to Six Flags St. Louis, the first official papal visit to a major American theme park since Pope Paul VI's Thanksgiving Mass at Wet 'n Wild in August 1966.

As the park opened its doors to the general public last Friday, the pope emerged from the last car of the Foghorn Leghorn National Park Railway to greet the throngs of people who had assembled hours earlier for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to pay their respects to the blessed pontiff and to vie for a seat on Superman Tower of Power, a popular free-fall ride.

The pope began his visit with a brief sermon delivered from the balcony of the Old Glory Amphitheatre, and blessed the park's many concession-stand workers who "provide sustenance for our brethren seeking to beat the heat."

"My friends in Christ, as we stand together today among this unusually large weekday crowd, I urge you and your children to exercise the twin virtues of faith and patience, for unto those who wait will come great rewards and monstrous thrills," the pontiff told those in line for the Screamin' Eagle roller coaster.

The pope was honored in a special ceremony outside the Warner Bros. Backlot, in which he was presented with a complimentary season pass, good for free entry at any Six Flags or Hurricane Harbor until August 31.

"I am pleased to announce to His Holiness, the Vicar of Christ, Pope Benedict XVI, that from this day forward, June 9 will forever be known as Pope Day at Six Flags St. Louis," said Shazam! ride-operator Gary Moynihan as he lowered the safety bar over the pope's lap and locked it into place. "Now, prepare to be scrambled!"

The pope took an aerial tour via Sky Tram to Goodtimes Square later on Friday, where he was greeted by Six Flags dignitaries Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, and the Tasmanian Devil. The trio of characters went on to sign an apostolic exhortation on the role of bishops, a Vatican concordat with Six Flags St. Louis, and the pope's personal autograph book.

The pontiff also posed for an official portrait by celebrated Six Flags caricature artist Trevor Doogan. The work depicted Benedict in his robes, mitre, and Rollerblades. The pope also celebrated a special midday Mass, in which the capacity-plus crowds received communion and cotton candy.
Enlarge ImagePope

The pope joins a Six Flags ambassador on a tour of the grounds.

Early Saturday morning, Benedict delivered a children's prayer in Looney Tunes Town, in which he urged "courage, resolve, and strength of stomach when you come face to face with the temptation of XCalibur," and stressed that they should all "honor thy mother and father, who paid the ultimate price for your $45 day pass."

"If you are a child over 54 inches tall, your covenant with fun compels you to check out Batman the Ride," the pope added.

On the third day of the papal visit, bystanders witnessed what some called a minor miracle when Benedict reunited a lost four-year-old boy with his parents. "Today, a young wayward sheep has strayed from his flock, "the pope announced over the park's P.A. system. "But by the grace of God, he has been found safe and unharmed, and can be picked up at Porky's Pavilion."

According to Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls, Benedict accomplished everything he set out to do during the three days, with the exception of a much-anticipated visit to Colossus, the 18-story Ferris wheel, which the Holy Father canceled at the last moment for unspecified reasons.

"This is truly a special part of the world, and my time at Six Flags brought me closer to God—particularly when I was suspended in midair at the peak of Mr. Freeze," said the pope, his hair tousled, his face and the back of his neck severely sunburned, and his long, flowing robes soaked with water from the Big Kahuna raft ride. "But there is still much more to be done, and I have a feeling that God will call me here again very soon."

This was HILARIOUS!!!

Hotter than a MOFO up in here

Feels Like

I know what you're thinking...75 degrees is nothing, but what you might not remember is I'm 193.683942 kilograms! And as you can see there is no wind...fatty needs wind!

Here's the thing: we so rarely get hot weather so it doesn't seem right to have air conditioners...but I'm tellin ya right now...If I had an air conditioner it would be blasted to full tilt. I'm hot and I have to take the garbage out and make my lunch and whine a little bit more!

Fatty doesn't like it when she's overheated. But things are getting a bit better for me. I'm on day 3 of no sugar and flour and committing my food daily. I can't even begin to tell you about this acute detox I'm going through. You may have noticed that I haven't posted in a few days...that's because I was sleeping. Serious! or Serial! for those South Park Fans out there.

I basically woke up long enough to make the next meal and then poof! back to sleep in the lazy boy...

It really is noticeable how much sugar and flour affect my body and its functions. I have been feeling much healthier for sure, but tired my friends, so very tired. I feel better today though.

Yesterday I went to my class I'm taking on cognitive thinking (erasing the automatic negative thoughts) etc. It's really called DBT, but I don't want to have to explain the whole thing to you -- but let's just say its perfect for me because its the perfect marriage of spirituality and psychology -- right up Fatty's alley. You may not know this but I'm sensitive....really really sensitive. So this class is helping me with tools to manage that sensitivity. I finally realized that I don't have to get rid of my sensitivity (impossible, but I have tried)...I just have to accept that I'm a person wrapped in a sensitive package, and that's OKAY (stuart smalley said so!)

Anyway, back to the class....this will definitely show you how sensitive I am. This is a class of about 12 people coming from all areas of life and are there for some reason: anger, depression, sensitivity (you get my drift)...they're not the most healthy bunch. Anyway, in the class everybody is pretty verbal by asking questions and participating etc., but after the class it's a whole different story.

Fatty is a friendly gal. If I'm crying on the inside you would never know at first glance. So, being the friendly gal that I am, I said something friendly to these two women in the elevator and they basically shined me. I tried to remember that these people aren't well and it's not about me. However, it's been almost 24 hours since it happened and I'm still thinking about it....Hmmpfh.

Update: The Hun and Nebbish her brother have tried to communicate with me. The Hun called and left a message (because I'll be damned if I'll pick up the phone with her on the other end) stating that she wanted to continue our conversation and how I could perhaps work towards being a part of her life. "Huh?" Ummm, NO. I really don't want to be a part of your life -- cocky son of a bitch! Jeezus!. And then Nebbish the brother calls and leaves a message stating he was sorry for being so abrupt. The brother has always been easier to get along with but he falls under her rule. He and I used to sit next to each other at meetings and we would giggle and have fun sometimes. She instructed him that he should not sit next to me. And lo and behold, the next week he was practically suckling at her bosom.

He has tried to google chat me a few times but I'm not ready to respond to him yet. I have to be careful though, because I have a habit of closing the door permanently on people. I remember there was an episode of Knots Landing when I was growing up and the line was, "Doors can open and doors can close PERMANENTLY." My mom and I used to joke around with each other saying that line. Kind of dysfunctional, huh.

I went out this morning after breakfast and got a large diet coke from McD's, as usual. I was actually able to pay in all dimes. (not interesting to anyone but me).

Then I took my self to Starbucks with large diet coke in hand and the book I'm reading, "The Craggly Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It" by Geneen Roth.
It's not so much a self help book as it is a journey through loss and love. I really like it. I have a craggly hole and it's a very enjoyable read.

I always sit in one of the puffy purple chairs and read. Two handsome men sat by me at different times throughout my read and I longed to be thin and engaging, but alas I'm fat and depressed...oh well, at least they're out there. Someday...

I know this post is probably grammatically challenged but I wanted to write something down and get this ball rolling.

Gotta go take out the trash....

Roger that!


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Good Comebacks

Ok, let's just get the cards on the table...I haven't been broken up with in about 3 years since that's the last time anyone even glanced in my direction....however, these little gems would've come in handy back in the day when I had dates etc. Enjoy!

The secret language of breaking up (Excerpt from YOUR BIG BREAK by Johanna Edwards)

The Ten Biggest Break-up Excuses, Redefined

Excuse: It’s not you, it’s me.
Translation: It is definitely, without a doubt, 100% you.
Excuse: We’re better off as friends.
Translation: The thought of having sex with you turns my stomach.
Excuse: I think we should date other people.
Translation: I’m already dating other people.
Excuse: I don’t deserve you.
Translation: I actually deserve someone much better than you.
Excuse: In another time or place this could’ve worked out.
Translation: If you were hotter/richer/less boring this could’ve worked out.

Excuse: I’m still getting to know myself, finding out who I am as a person.
Translation: I’m gay.

Excuse: I used to you think you were The One; now I’m not so sure.
Translation: You weren’t this fat when we started dating.

Excuse: I want my space.
Translation: I want to sleep around.
Excuse: This hurts me as much as it hurts you.
Translation: My pain ends after this conversation; your pain lives on forever.

Excuse: I’m getting back together with my ex.
Translation: I no longer even speak to my ex, but I’d rather die alone than spend another second with you.

427 pounds = 193.683942 kilograms

This morning began early for ol'Fatty. I had to get up and go to the doctor for a follow up and to get some paperwork signed. The assistant asked me, "Do you want to get weighed?" I said, "Yep, let's do it." She took me to the "big scale" which is for very big people. It is a hydraulic type contraption that with the press of a button comes careening out from the wall. There it was...the truth teller...the big scale...the big bertha of scales.

I weighed in at 427.5. I wasn't surprised at all. I knew that was around the amount I weighed and I knew that it was increasingly difficult for me to get around. The saving grace is that I started a food plan today which gives me hope.

Here are some things that weight 427 lbs. in addition to myself:

No embarrassment at the doctor except that she is stingy with the time-off she will give me....but I took what I could get.

I was so emotionally hung over this morning after last night's debaucle with the Hun and Nebbish clan so I felt spent. Next, I had to go to DMV to get my driver's license renewed. Every 10 years, you have to get a new photo and a vision test. I decided that I wanted to be exact on this license. The man behind the counter asked me if I wanted to keep the weight at 130. I thought to myself, "Are ya crazy man?" I said nope, put me down at 427. I'm goin for honesty here. Now over to the camera for the beautiful photo. But first....


There were alot of teenagers in the line to get photos since they are just getting their first licenses. I actually heard one girl say to the other, "I'm so glad I made it to 17 without getting pregnant." I thought to myself, "There's a goal to be proud that you've accomplished."

It wouldn't be very responsible of me if I didn't include a link to an article about Teen Pregnancy so here you go: Check it out at Teen People.

All in all, it was an exhausting morning filled with honesty and exposure. I can't wait for my appointment at the dermatologist later this month where he will examine my skin from head to toe to see if I have skin cancer...that should be a real doozer...

As always,
Roger that!


Monday, June 12, 2006

Difficult People and Sensitive Ol' Me

Arghhh. I went to an OA meeting tonight because the window of opportunity opened for me and I had the willingness to jump through it.

Everything went swimmingly. I met with a woman who is helping me go through withdrawal from the junk and I'm willing to let her help me.

After we met 1:1, we headed up to the meeting room. I felt a little embarrassed since I was the fattest one in the room, but whatever, it's an OA's okay to be fat.

After the meeting ended, I felt hopeful and ready to go home and get ready for my day tomorrow which includes going to the doctor where I will inevitably be weighed and perhaps treated like a disappointment by the doctor because guess what, "I'm FAT". Doctors always seem to have this exasperated look on their face when a fatty walks in and tend to blame every problem that might be going on because I'm FAT. Anyway, the weigh in should be helpful since I have to go to DMV and get my photo taken after that.

My current license is a good pic of me at 130 lbs and very tan. This one will be quite different -- pale, puffed, and 405. Niiiiice.

Back to the meeting: there is a brother-sister team that go to this meeting who I've known through OA for years. I'm closer to the brother than the sister although the sister has been reaching out lately. However, I call them "The Hun (as in Attila) and the Nebbish (as in whiney gay man)". She is very tall and intimidating and very set in her ways, and he is curt and full of disdain and not very good socially (an engineer - what do you expect). Long story getting even longer here....the Hun had her birthday over the weekend (supposedly a big blowout of some sort-although how much of a blowout could a 'Hun' have...well, through the grapevine I heard of this party which I was not invited to. Stupidly I mention this to the brother - just being light about it I said, "Oh I heard your sister is having a big party over the weekend." To which he replied, "Yes." I said I guess I'm not invited. He said, "Well you are still on a trial basis with her. She is very high maintenance and you need to earn her friendship by calling every day and maybe you'll make it into the inner circle." Okay, let's just say this...I don't care to be in a circle with the Hun or the Nebbish. They are the strangest duo I've encountered thus far. For a while I thought maybe I could be friends with the Hun but after tonight-- now way Jose.

After the meeting, she confronted me about how she doesn't like to mix her personal life with her program life. I said that I look at things more holistically and most of my closest friends I've met in 12 step rooms. Anyway, she babbled on about how she didn't want to be gossipped about etc. I couldn't believe it. I was sitting there, one foot from the grave (been going through some tough emotional times - first meeting back after being gone for a while) and this is the crap I have to deal with. Nebbish was the one who started the whole thing anyway, and I said to him, "Hey maybe you should be in this conversation." To which he replied, "No I do not want to discuss this. I will not." He was very dismissive which I had put up with in previous times, but not when I have a fuse about an inch long. I blew out of there and tried to get to my car as soon as possible.

I started hyperventilating and crying and trying to catch my breath. I called one of my friends who was shunned by this group about 2 years ago for not passing the Hun's probationary period, and started heaving and crying and splatting all over the place. Of course I went through the McDonald's Drive Thru to get my Diet Coke (see previous post). The guy felt so sorry for me because I was hysterical that he only took my dollar and didn't want the .83 that was due. This should tell you how hysterical I was.

I know that when something effects me this strongly that it is an old pain. It's an ache from long ago. It's the craggly hole in my heart that was left or never filled by the childhood that I grew up in. I wasn't so upset by the Hun and the Nebbish, but they were certainly the catalyst that brought it on.

I finally calmed down as I got home and talked it out with my friend who shall be forever named WaterMaiden. The WaterMaiden had just listened and that's all I really needed as I drove down that dark road towards home.

Roger that!

xoxo Fatty

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Gita the elephant has passed on. I love elephants so much. They are the gentle giants and being held captive in a small space like Gita was is a crime.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- An Asian elephant has died at the Los Angeles Zoo, where critics have charged the animals are kept in unhealthy conditions.

Gita, 48, was found sitting down when keepers went to her yard Saturday morning.

A "medical response" failed, zoo spokesman Jason Jacobs said in a statement.

A necropsy was planned to determine the cause of death.

Gita, who came to Southern California in 1959, was one of three elephants at the zoo.

She and another female, Ruby, have been living out of the public view in adjoining yards.

Gita had arthritis and a history of foot problems, and underwent surgery last year to remove portions of a toe from her left front foot.

The living conditions of the zoo's elephants were closely examined after the death of Tara, a 39-year-old African elephant who died of heart failure in 2004.

Critics have long said the zoo's elephant enclosures are too small for animals that can roam up to 10 miles in the wild and that the hardpacked soil and concrete are brutal on their feet. Zoo officials dispute the charges.

A city report released last year said the elephants are well-tended but need far more space.

In April, the City Council approved construction of a $39 million elephant exhibit for the zoo.

The 3.5-acre exhibit would have a variety of natural walking surfaces and would include trees and bathing waterholes.

Rest in peace my friend,


A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the....

A few funny things have happened lately that can only happen to a fatty.

1. I went to see "The Break Up", which by the way I found very enjoyable. I love Vince and would like to marry him...(I'm 13...emotionally). Anyway, I went to the theatre and didn't even stop at the snack counter where I usually try to get a medium diet coke for free...(I'm pretty stealth when I need to be). The carpet in the theatre was damp because they had just shampooed them. There wasn't any sign posted about this but I found out as I stepped on the linoleum near the theatre door and went down hard. All 400 lbs of me when into the wall and then splat on the floor. 3 men tried to help me up but it was a no-go. I didn't break anything thank god. But, I did have to maneuver myself in such a way that only a fatty would know to leverage my weight to get upright again. I was shook up, hyperventilating, embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, and basically wanted to disappear. I thought, just get into the theatre - hurry hurry hurry-get into the theatre before people see you....get away from these men that tried to help you up....get away from anybody who saw that....get away from anybody that might say something hurtful....

I got to my seat in the theatre and was having trouble catching my breath. This Latino man who wheels the snack cart from theatre to theatre came over and said in whisper, "Lady, do you need a pill?" I was thinking, shit if you have some valium, vicodin, percocet, etc, that would be great, but I imagine he probably had Advil, so I declined.

Then the manager (19 year old chump in a little suit) came over with a piece of lined paper and asked me to write my name and number down. I was thinking, shit --- throw me down some free passes...but I didn't have my moxie in place at the time and all I got out of the whole thing was a big reminder about how large I am and a cup of theatre water. Hmmpfh.

2. My friend Insightful Ingrid got together and went to dinner at Red Robin (hamburger emporium with bottomless fries) the other night. Both of us had lost tons of weight in Stepford OA but both of us have relapsed again and again. We went to have a meal together and were seated in the corner in the dark....really! there was no light over our table...most people would want to move, but not us -- it was perfect for the embarrassed fatty trying to get her grub on. Anyway, the meal was substandard as all non-abstinent meals are after the first few bites. (It always sounds good until you feel so full you can't breathe.) On our way out of the grease factory the floor was greased up and I literally slid my way to the door. Memories of the movie theatre came rushing back to me while I very carefully tried to skate my way to the door after walking by every patron in the place. FATTY EMBARASSMENT AGAIN.

We decided we would go to Cold Stone for ice cream, but the stipulation was that Ingrid was going to have to go in because I knew it would be crowded and I couldn't stand that long in the line. We pull up and it was extremely crowded. We sat there in the car singing at the top our lungs to Bye Bye Miss American Pie and after the song ended I said, hey lets go to Baskin Robbins instead. Ingrid had been there earlier in the day with her family and the word had stuck in my head. We go on a search for a Baskin Robbins. Ahh, we found one...I pull into a parking space all haphazard-like and we go in. At first I wanted Ingrid to go do the deed, but there are 31 freakin flavors and how's a girl supposed to know what I like...

Ok, so things are going smoothly, the floor in the place has traction to there is no slippage. I get my Sundae and ask Ingrid to pay for it with my money while I go outside to sit (my 7 minutes were up). She came out with the goods and handed it to me. I make my way to the car and open the door when at the same time the sundae went flying. Some of the remnants landed on my pants and some on my shoe, which I tried to recover with my finger...the rest of it rolled underneath the car. I thought, Fuck! I couldn't find it because it was under the car hiding from me. As I pulled out I asked Ingrid to look for it and she found it. I asked her if it was salvageable. She said she thought it would be okay....sometimes you have to be careful with Ingrid because she tends to have an iron stomach and can eat week old chow mein and not get sick. Not so with Fatty...I can't even eat day-old chow mein without being ill. Anyway, desperate for that fucking sundae, I took her word for it and away we went with delapidated sundae in hand.

That's all folks!

Fatty Returns

Hello faithful friends,

I have returned. I had to move my blog to a new address, partly because the old name kept getting confused with a word that sounds like "itch" but starts with "b" and frankly that is not the message I was hoping to send.

As you may already know I've been going through a sad time lately. I'm overburdened by this weight and my inability to start on any kind of weight loss effort. I used to say to myself in OA and FA that if I relapsed I didn't think I'd have another recovery in me. Well this is proving to be true.

I am stuck. I know some of the greatest thinkers in our history have been "stuck" at times. I've been reminded countless times about Thomas Edison and his damn lightbulb..."you know, Thomas Edison tried 1000 times before he got the filament right for the light bulb"....I'm not trying to create a lightbulb here. I'm trying to find hope to continue.

It's hard in this body. I feel most comfortable when I'm sleeping (in a lazyboy chair) and watching TV. I immediately am reminded of my girth as soon as I go out into the world by the pain in my back and knees. In another post I wrote about the strategies of going out into the world and the grocery store strategy. I only have about 7 minutes of operating time before the back starts to tell me I'm too fat.

Roger that!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Hello I'm Fatty

Relax at McDonalds

I go to McDonalds for two reasons ONLY:
1. Diet Coke
2. Clean Bathrooms

Check it out: McDonalds is not only offering their special menu of fancy items like Asian Chicken Salad (this does not make any sense to offer an Asian Chicken Salad at McD's) but they have upgraded their look, much to the chagrin of the franchise owners. Now when I go and get my Diet Coke (large of course) I can feel fancy...

They are going for the Starbucks demographic. They want people to linger and spend time inside McDonalds. Ok, first problem...if you spend time in Starbucks for any length of time, the worst you will smell is like spilled milk - maybe...but spend more than 10 minutes in a McDonalds and you smell like a combo of fry grease and cheese....Yum.

Side note: If they dare change the recipe of their Diet Coke I will go straight to Ronald McDonald and bop him on the head. Doesn't McDonalds have the best Diet Coke nation-wide? Never a bad cup.

Read all about it at Business Week Online
Ahh, my computer. The little guy has seen its better days. It is so bogged down and needs a spiffy sibling to help me do my thang! He's been an old friend to me for many moons, but I never had to use it as my main man...usually I had jobs which gave me spiffy computers to use.

Fatty's wish is to have this computer:


So, if anyone wants to contribute to the Fatty Fund, send your inquiries my way.

Is it true-

Call it a diet, call it abstinence, call it whatever you like, but dwindling down to a decreased caloric intake has repercussions. I have always known this, but never had a scientific explananation.

When I lost 200 lbs., TWICE, I was elated to be in a smaller body. I WAS FREEZING IN THIS PIC. However, I became extremely depressed, emotional, weepy, suicidal, angry, and full of sadness. I could never figure out what the problem was... I should be happy, right? But I wasn't. I had a group of friends who also lost a significant amount of weight because they were in the same 12 step program with me, (OA and FA respectively). Some of my friends said they felt "blah" or "lifeless", others complained that they had lost all interest in sex, etc. My symptoms were depression, sadness, and anger.

My little friend who I call Mighty Moe sent me this link about a scientific experiment that was performed which measured the physical, psychological, and mental implications of starving ourselves. I'm not talking anorexia here, I'm speaking about dieting. Click here if you're interested in the study. I must warn you, its not light reading. Possibilities

Although the subjects were psychologically healthy prior to the experiment, most experienced significant emotional deterioration as a result of semistarvation. Most of the subjects experienced periods during which their emotional distress was quite severe; almost 20% experienced extreme emotional deterioration that markedly interfered with their functioning. Depression became more severe during the course of the experiment. Elation was observed occasionally, but this was inevitably followed by "low periods." Mood swings were extreme for some of the volunteers:

Irritability and frequent outbursts of anger were common, although the men had quite tolerant dispositions prior to starvation. For most subjects, anxiety became more evident. As the experiment progressed, many of the formerly even-tempered men began biting their nails or smoking because they felt nervous. Apathy also became common, and some men who had been quite fastidious neglected various aspects of personal hygiene. During semistarvation, two subjects developed disturbances of "psychotic" proportions. During the refeeding period, emotional disturbance did not vanish immediately but persisted for several weeks, with some men actually becoming more depressed, irritable, argumentative, and negativistic than they had been during semistarvation. After two weeks of refeeding, one man reported his extreme reaction in his diary:

I remember distinctly as I got to a low weight that my body felt as if it was eating itself. I was cold all the time, sad, and angry. I kept asking my sponsor to add food to my food plan but the answer was, "You just want more food because you're a food addict!". No, I want more food because I'm starving. After months of trying to adhere to this strict starvation plan, I eventually went nutto and started eating whole cakes and now we have the result of 400 lbs., lack of mobility and a self-esteem that is lower than dirt. How do ya like them apples?

I was grateful to get this article because it explained alot to me. However, now I am baffled. How do I not starve myself and still release excess weight? Any ideas??

By the way, I finally got rolling with EDD and received a check! Yay for me.

much love,

Art Source

Missin the Boat

The Ship Has Sailed

Well friends, looks like I missed the boat again...damn! I slightly missed the dot-com boom, even though I worked at a dot-com, I have 10,000 shares of nothing to show for it. And on Friday I had been invited to interview for the site Popsugar. After perusing their site for a long time, I came upon their section, Dear Sugar, and was mortified. The celebrity news section was one of my favorite places on the web, but this Dear Saccharin part just blew me out. I hope it is written by someone other than the celeb writer because it is embarrasing.

Check out the letter that required me to turn down the interview:

Dear Sugar
I wear a size 0 in jeans and having a hard time finding jeans that fit my body type. I am 5′0 feet tall and weigh 110. I have full hips, a full butt and a tiny waist and I am having a difficult time fitting into regular jeans. Any recommendations? Jean Queen
Click here to find out the response:

Size O and Can't Find the Right Jeans

Now, as you all know, Fatty cannot stand by and promote this size 0 nonsense.

Well, much to my chagrin, the San Francisco Chronicle has done an article about the people that started this site and all of their plans for success. I looked more deeply into their backgrounds and I'm pretty sure this will be the next "big" thing. I could've been a part of it...I guess I could have ignored the Size 0 stuff, but I'm not sure how.

Read the SF Chronicle article and enjoy my mistake...
Fatty's Missed Opportunity
It does sting!

But let's dwelve a little deeper since you know me for my honesty. I think I was also looking for any excuse to get out of this opportunity. I was scared. These people seem to have such a fabulous life and I felt inadequate. Too fat, too poor, too uncool, not size 0. When I came across the note about size 0 and others like it, that was enough for me. If somebody wrote me a letter like that it would go something like this:

Dear Snarky,
I'm a Size 0 and can't find jeans that fit. What do you suggest?

Dear Skeletor,
I suggest you call up an eating disorders clinic and check yourself in right away. On your way there, have a cake.

Much Love,
Fatty the Snark
I enjoy writing and feel as if I have a voice to be heard. I know this voice is not to be heard among the Nicole, Paris and Lindsay wanna-be's. So, that is that...Many of you may not understand my decision nor my insecurity...but that is what makes Fatty the Love of Your Life!