Sunday, June 25, 2006

Big Body and Small Life

I borrowed the title from Frances Kuffel's blog on Amazon. I think it sums it up pretty well. I have two weeks of abstinence now and the high has worn off. I keep a log daily about my mood and usage of substances like nicotine and caffeine. I have noticed that as my suicidal depression has improved my level of fear has skyrocketed.

I am so afraid. I've always been afraid. Hidden behind my gregarious personality is a really scared person. I think part of getting thin really activated that intensly. As I got skinny, I felt things so much more than I did when I was in the food. The food masks so much and soothes like none other. I think that is why it is so important to do the work I am doing now. I am vigilantly working on new coping skills. It is really important that I learn to manage my sensitivity and be able to live in this world, fat or thin.

I started getting very fearful that I won't lose enough weight. Please note that I'm coming from 427 lbs. I have lost 200 lbs. at a time - twice already. But I don't think that I will get really skinny this time. The last time I lost weight I really tried to hide the fact that I had ever been fat. I was very embarrassed that I had been fat. People would say, "You look so good". I thought to myself, "Yea, but I should have never been fat in the first place, so it's really not an accomplishment." I think there's a nugget of dysfunction in that thinking. I have to admit that I still think this way.

My world is very small right now. I'm not working because I asked my doctor to put me on disability. I did this because it's hard for me to walk from the parking lot to the office door. It's difficult for me to stand at a copy machine and make copies. It's hard for me to do just about anything.

I do what I can though. I am actively in a class now studying DBT skills which is an excellent therapy that marries the spiritual (Eastern philosphies) and the psychology (cognitive). It's working well for me. After 2 weeks, I wasn't suicidal anymore and I got abstinent. But I still have such negative thoughts.

I've been trying to do a little more each day. I went and got my nails done today. I went to the car wash. Most days I go to Starbucks and sit in the comfy chair and read a book. I try to get out. But I go to safe places for myself.

I think after 2 weeks of abstinence I should've dropped 100 lbs. by now. But the fact is that although I can stand and cook my meals for myself, I still get very worn out by the end of the day.

I want to join a water exercise class, but my willingness is quite low as you can imagine. Going to a new place in a bathing suit scares the crap out of me.

Here's a pic of the way it was....My niece, Brooke, is now turning 3, and I talk to her on the phone and she tells me that she wants to buy me a pink whipstick. (she doesn't pronounce L's very well). It's so adorable. I want to visit her in Colorado, but let's face much fun would Auntie Chele be at this weight? I just need to continue. Simply resume. Evaluate and Correct. It is what it is. Peace!
Well, that's enough of me for right now...



Anonymous said...

Michele, I think for many of us just making the decision to do something with our weight is such a momentous decision that when we stick with it for any amount of time, we want to see some results. That's why I made that a topic over at AFG because we need to figure out how to keep at it during this time. To me, it's a time where you are working hard, giving up a lot of stuff, stripping yourself of familiar crutches and for what? The "for what" sometimes get lost amid the pain of giving up food and the pain of doing exercises. Am I making sense? All I can tell you is this: you just have to trust that the actions you're taking to lose weight is doing to pay off down the road. It make take a while and it may not appear like it's happening to you but it will.

What I like about what you're doing is that you are trying (and succeeding) in taking care of yourself with things like the DBT class and finding safe places. And yeah, I saw myself in that comment, "Yeah but I should have never been fat in the first place, so it's not really that much of an accomplishment." Be there, done that and probably doing it a bit again down the road. I'm trying to work on that because a) it discounts what I have been through and b) dismisses the work I've done to get to where I'm at.

If you pick a water exercise class, remember this very important information: All the women there will think they look like crap in their swimsuit. Believe me I go "swimming" at our university gym surrounded by lots of thin girls but I also see a lot of women who are not swim-suit thin. (Actually, the only person who makes me avert my eyes is this very very skinny man with a hairy chest who insists on doing these flexibility exercises near us on a mat before he goes swimming. He exercises religiously upstairs in the weight/machines and is in very good shape but extremely thin.)

Lori from AFG

Michelle said...

I can relate to the "Big Body, Little Life" title. I've cocooned myself into a small life. I'm a stay at home mom, we live in the country, so my interaction with people is very limited. I've created a "safe" world for myself. The only problem with it, is that I'm not happy. I have a daughter that's 13 and I can't believe the example I'm setting for her is a healthy one. About 2 months ago I started thinking I have to make changes. I have to move from this safe road I'm on and take an "exit". I've enrolled at the local comminuty college and registered for prerequite classes for nursing. I'm scared to death, but I know that with everyday I stay in my little safe world, my thoughts grow darker, my weight climbs a little higher, and I set a horrible example for my children.'re probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. Honestly, I'm not sure why, other than I just wanted you to know life scares me too. I just wanted you to know your not alone. Change is extremely hard and extremely scary, but necessary.

CP said...

I want you to start writing positive affirmations about yourself. At least one a day. It can range from "I have beautiful eyes" to "I avoided (insert deadly food here) all day and I'm proud of myself".

I know how you feel in your "small world". I used to model, way back in the day, designer wedding gowns for runway shows. I was a perfect size 8. Now, I am 5'2 and 220 pounds. I weigh as much as my 5'11 husband. And, I am so comfortable in my own skin, so self confident, that I have deluded myself into believing this is not a problem. IT IS! I am in perfect health, but I know it will not always be that way. I still wear trendy clothes, bikinis, whatever I want...because my self esteem is so good. It's always been good. But then, every once in awhile, a photo of myself will snap me into reality.

I will happily walk this road with you, friend, and see it through with you. If you need a partner in crime, someone to exchange thoughts and ideas with...I'm here for you. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are witty and smart and you deserve to live better.

Consider it.


Vickie said...

Great post!
Water aerobics class - you might be able to do this - remember you will be IN the water. Drop the wrap and get in quick! You probably will Not be on TV when you do this and everyone will be worried about who is looking at them and not looking at you . . . You posted your pix here - and probably more people will see "you" here, than will be in your water class. . .
Baby Steps V
At least maintain

Miss Michele said...

I love you guys. Thanks for all your comments. I really think this blog is such a support system. The electronic age is awesome, dontcha think. I was so touched to see that people even read this stuff.


Rowan said...

2 weeks absitence is a really big deal, wow! It may not feel like much now, as in BTDT but it really IS a big deal.
I love the DBT approach as well. During my shortlived career as graduate student in social work I read a lot about it. If I could afford a DBT therapist I would probably go for it. One reason I was immediately drawn to it is because it reminded me so much of buddhist thought, something I am fairly familiar with. My sister in-law, a social worker using the DBT method, told me it was because the person who founded it was a buddhist. How cool is that!
Nice new look for your blog!
I totally agree with your post about the Hummer - when I lived in Santa Fe, NM there were TONS of gigantic trucks and several hummers - one of them belonging to Arnold...uh, the guy who is posing as Govenor of CA, you know the one. Anyway, there is like hardly any snow in SF and the roads around that town were not meant for these big honking vehicles. It was irritating - that place reeks of people who have too much money, and the poor who serve them. Ack,
Anyways, hang in there, your doing great, you really are.
Love the blog too!

buddha_girl said...

Cripes, can I ever relate to this. Here's the deal, I had the gastric bypass surgery. I feel so much better...than I ever have in my entire life. Thinking that you were turned down is absolutely ridiculous. Why? I weighed MORE than you do BEFORE I had my surgery.

It's not a quick fix. I have the same problems with seeing my 'new' self...with food...with self-loathing...the whole nine yards. I'm not going to hi-jack your blog in the comments...but will email you later.

Thank you so much for taking this whole FAT thing on and having enough love for yourself to take small steps every day. You are worth it!


Lillie said...

I'm new to your blog by way of the next blog button above. I love your voyage of self discovery and as a fat person all of my adult life I can surely understand what you are going through.

I have a comfortable life a wonderful husband that loves me no matter my size and 4 great kids. I say to myself most everyday that I'm only need to exercise and cut back on my eating and all the wt will just melt off. I will get on the treadmill one day, maybe two and somehow I can't keep it up. So I commend you for 2 weeks of abstinence is quite an accomplishment. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and thanks for sharing it with us.

angela said...

it is so hard i think to hear you can do it when you have done it. you have done it all your life and it has only made you fatter and fatter. we know we can lose weight. but to deal with my demons enough to handle my feelings, fears and anxiety? i don't know. i think i eat pretty well, i would love to be 250, not 350 lbs but you know, i can also accept this. when i lost 150 lbs i really did want to be thin, i hated myself for ruining my body, now i know that losing 50 lbs means flying is easier, walking and participating on my son's field trips is more doable and that is good enough, that would be fantastic.

honestly being in graduate school and being a single mom pushes losing weight aside as far as importance and i know from experience that doing that alone takes nearly all i have. it is so frustrating.