I borrowed the title from Frances Kuffel's blog on Amazon. I think it sums it up pretty well. I have two weeks of abstinence now and the high has worn off. I keep a log daily about my mood and usage of substances like nicotine and caffeine. I have noticed that as my suicidal depression has improved my level of fear has skyrocketed.
I am so afraid. I've always been afraid. Hidden behind my gregarious personality is a really scared person. I think part of getting thin really activated that intensly. As I got skinny, I felt things so much more than I did when I was in the food. The food masks so much and soothes like none other. I think that is why it is so important to do the work I am doing now. I am vigilantly working on new coping skills. It is really important that I learn to manage my sensitivity and be able to live in this world, fat or thin.
I started getting very fearful that I won't lose enough weight. Please note that I'm coming from 427 lbs. I have lost 200 lbs. at a time - twice already. But I don't think that I will get really skinny this time. The last time I lost weight I really tried to hide the fact that I had ever been fat. I was very embarrassed that I had been fat. People would say, "You look so good". I thought to myself, "Yea, but I should have never been fat in the first place, so it's really not an accomplishment." I think there's a nugget of dysfunction in that thinking. I have to admit that I still think this way.
My world is very small right now. I'm not working because I asked my doctor to put me on disability. I did this because it's hard for me to walk from the parking lot to the office door. It's difficult for me to stand at a copy machine and make copies. It's hard for me to do just about anything.
I do what I can though. I am actively in a class now studying DBT skills which is an excellent therapy that marries the spiritual (Eastern philosphies) and the psychology (cognitive). It's working well for me. After 2 weeks, I wasn't suicidal anymore and I got abstinent. But I still have such negative thoughts.
I've been trying to do a little more each day. I went and got my nails done today. I went to the car wash. Most days I go to Starbucks and sit in the comfy chair and read a book. I try to get out. But I go to safe places for myself.
I think after 2 weeks of abstinence I should've dropped 100 lbs. by now. But the fact is that although I can stand and cook my meals for myself, I still get very worn out by the end of the day.
I want to join a water exercise class, but my willingness is quite low as you can imagine. Going to a new place in a bathing suit scares the crap out of me.
Here's a pic of the way it was....My niece, Brooke, is now turning 3, and I talk to her on the phone and she tells me that she wants to buy me a pink whipstick. (she doesn't pronounce L's very well). It's so adorable. I want to visit her in Colorado, but let's face it..how much fun would Auntie Chele be at this weight? I just need to continue. Simply resume. Evaluate and Correct. It is what it is. Peace!
Well, that's enough of me for right now...