Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Vegetables Are the First to Go


Anchoring Myself

In the Hindu religion, Ganesha is the blocker of obstacles. I am using Ganesha as my picture right now on my blog because I am grateful for the obstacles being blocked. It has taken a while to get back to my writing. I appreciate all of your notes to me asking about my whereabouts and if I'm okay. It's helped me stay in touch with myself, if only slightly.

I think the miracle I have experienced mostly is being able to tell myself the truth and believing it and then taking action. They say relapse starts way before the first bite is taken. I haven't relapsed yet, but the warning signs are there for me to see. However, I didn't want to see them until a few days ago when I didn't want to make or eat vegetables. It started with the vegetables...I just couldn't be bothered with the preparation of them and they seemed so boring. It wasn't until last night while I was in my new addiction of internet chatting that I realized what was happening to me. I was surrendering my serenity and peace of mind by not putting my recovery first. It is a double-edged sword, because the friends I've made online have given alot to me through humor and love and most of all, fun! However, when I surrender the order in my life because I'm having fun...and it interferes with my sober life...then we get to call it another addiction. It's all about balance. Balance in all things.

After being abstinent for almost 90 days now, things have become more comfortable for me and I forget that my very life depends on me following a food plan. After all, I am a food addict and the only real hope is that I have one day of reprieve from this vicious addiction. ...And leaving vegetables out might seem like a small incident to most, but to me...I know this is the disease creeping its way back into my life.

I took action today though. I participated with life outside of my house and away from the computer screen and felt the sunshine on my face and saw the sailboats on the bay and was reminded how beautiful life is and how much sweeter it is when I'm free from the grips of the nasty disease.

...And I made some vegetables!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Body Acceptance - What's That?

I was reading another site and came across a post about how these fat women love their bodies and described them with witty banter and how they looked good, except they could lose a little. I got disturbed with this because the post had 81 comments and they were for the most part light and enthusiastic. I sit here mourning the body God intended for me. God intended for me to have a healthy weight, no loose skin, and a healthy mind... My actions and addiction changed that course.

I have never been at a healthy weight for very long and I've always been doing something to my body to abuse it, i.e massive caffeine intake, massive cigarettte smoking , especially when I'm abstinent from addictive eating.

I'm a true addict from the word "go". I can't eat flour or sugar or wheat and have any semblance of balance or control at all. I smoke and I smoke alot. I drink caffeine and I drink alot. I get into tv and I watch alot. I get into TV show websites and I spend hours chatting with other fans. There are alot of things about me which are addictive and crave to be soothed.

The thing about addicts is: We have low self-esteem and big egos. It's a deadly combo. But by the grace of some power greater than me (and it is a stretch sometimes to believe there is one) I have been restored to sanity --- one day at a time--around food. As far as the side dishes of addiction, they are alive and well and seem to come alive evermore when the food is "down".

I want to get back to body acceptance for a minute. This site I went to (FattyMcBlog) is usally very funny and light. I need that sometimes, but the body acceptance piece really got to me. It stung and it still stings. I get uncomfortable when fat people joke about their bodies in a condescending way because I do that when I'm nervous. I get uncomfortable when women say I love my "twins" when they are fat. I get uncomfortable when women say "I love my junk in the trunk"...because the truth is that junk in the trunk is probably not that great and the "twins" will be reduced to deflated balloons once they lose weight.

I sound so bitter. I guess I am. It is wonderful when a person has body acceptance but my radar goes off that its not true that these women on that site really do love their bodies. It seems to me that it's a front so that they don't have to identify themselves and how they really feel about their bodies. I just wanted to read one comment on there that I could identify with and I didn't. And now I feel lonely.

I better make a gratitude list and fast!

Love you all,

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Tribal Misfit

In order to spiritually progress, we need to be born in a tribe where we don't fit. Of course, what we try to do is to make ourselves fit. But we can't fit, and that's a good thing, because if we could, we'd never "take up our beds and walk." We should be very very grateful to the people around us for loving us inadequately, so that we could grow.

I believe that quote is from Carolyn Myss. I borrowed it from somebody else's comment on Frances Kuffel's Amazon blog. The funny thing is that I was never able to absorb Carolyn Myss' words before this posting. I'm still trying to figure out Eckart Tolle's Power of Now.

I guess it holds true that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I have been writing alot about my family lately. It has been such a cathartic experience for me and I am so grateful for the loving feedback I have received from all of you. You truly are my loving support system!

I have struggled to "fit" into the tribe in which I was placed. It has always been a daunting task that has led me to dark places -- dark nights of the soul, indeed. I have been to the edge and back with my family of origin and it has come extremely close to destroying me. I am back from the edge now and life has taken on a whole new light.

There is a saying in the rooms created by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, that says: "Religion is for people who are afraid of going to Hell. Spirituality is for people who have already been there."

It's amazing to me that I have been restored yet again to a place of light and hope. My life-long struggle with my weight and subsequently all my weight loss over the years has taken its toll on my psyche. I am grateful to be back. There is a state of mind that occurs in suicidality that is unavailable to the sane mind. I am glad to all the resources I scratched and clawed my way to find even though I was preparing my own death cocktail. You see, I am back now and can't even imagine wanting to die. But, over the past three years, my suicidality increased at a yearly rate culminating this year to a plan of action and a most-certain demise. Thank god for Kaiser Permanente's Psychiatry Department and their progressive approach to healing the mind from its dark caverns. It is through cognitive behavioral therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that I was able to finally see a few key things:
a) I am a worthy person wrapped in a sensitive package and that will never change.
b) I am wrapped in a sensitive package and there are skills I can use to manage this.
c) I am an emotional person in a non-emotional family and this brings me to a crisis stage.
d) When I'm in emotional crisis, I have skills I can use.

I never thought that I would be a person who needed "skills" to live life. However, I'm 40 now and have seen too much sadness and pain and lost too many relationships and jobs to deny that I need some "skills". I have often said that nobody gave me the rule book to the Game of Life. It seems like everybody knows how to play and I don't. So, it is with these skills that I am able to live and thrive.

To soothe has always been the elusive goal of my life. I have sought out the soothing I should have received in a family but was stuck with a pacifier instead. My pacifier has always been food as it relieves me of myself in the quickest and most potent of ways. However, all through my 20s I was quite fond of marijuana which provided a wonderful high and an appetite for more food. Now, the marijuana ceases to be enjoyable as it makes me paranoid and scared. The food has given me a body of over 400 lbs. TWICE!!!! My drive to soothe is so strong that I've been dubbed by one so-called friend as "the worst addict she knows". That felt great to hear! Nothing like sending a little hope my way. :)

So, I perhaps will always be chasing the pacifier in some way. My goal is to learn to manage it. Manage - Manage - Manage! Managing is not my strong suit. I've been really off-kilter lately and while I'm able to abstain I am living a life run on self-will. I spend many hours on the 'net chatting with fans of a tv show I watch. I lie to my sponsor every day by omission by not telling her that I drink Diet Coke and sometimes have latte's as my dairy. Part of me says, jeez louise -who cares? Look at where I'm coming from...give me a break! The other part of me wants a sponsor that says, "Hey, you are coming out of a terrible relapse and hopeless state of mind..let's take it easy..don't get too hard on yourself..gentle steps my friend, gentle steps."

So, back to the quote that began this post. I have been given a gift of being a person who seeks more and climbs back from the brink. I hope it is of value to somebody in the world because I need to help someone just like me someday.

Love to you all,