Ahh, my sleep pattern is totally off kilter, hence a late-night/early morning post. All is well is Micheleville. Made it through a long weekend abstinently and relatively unscathed by the process with the Passive Agressive Witch. I feel total relief letting go of that friendship or whatever you want to call it. It is freedom. Freedom to go forth in my life and grow and choose my family of friends from a healthier place.
I forgot to mention due to all the hooplah over the PAB (passive aggressive bitch), that I had dinner on Saturday night with my brother, his wife, my niece and my grandmother. We went to an obnoxious restaurant but it was kind of fun to get out of the regular rigamaroll and get together with them. I have been hiding out from family for some time due to the weight gain and my depression I went through.
My brother has taken up drinking and has found that it takes the edge off his problems. I hope he either takes it down a notch or hopefully he'll be haunting the rooms of AA before long. He's a funny guy and my brothers and I have a sense of humor that is likened to that of Vince Vaughan type humor. I laugh the most with my brothers. Nobody ever knows what we are speaking about, but we're laughing.
My brother tends to get very loud as he drinks and starts to spout off about America being the Blanket of Freedom. They just bought a YUKON which bugs the crap out of me. There is no need for huge vehicles in suburbs. But I'll save that rant for another time. I believe I touched on it in a previous post about Hummers.
My niece is turning four and kids can be so honest. She said to me, "Auntie Chele, your stomach is big." I laughed and really didn't get bugged by it at all. It's true- my stomach is big. And then she touched my Grandma's face and said, "How come your face is like that?" She was referring to the wrinkles since Gram is almost 90. We laughed. We then had a wild ride in a cab with a driver from Nigeria. He blazed through the streets of San Francisco while my loud brother was in the back trying to tell everyone about the Blanket of Freedom. It was quite comical. He calls me a liberal hippy. I wish I knew enough about the issues to earn that title, but I have to admit, I don't really know much, but what I do know is Bush sucks, Republicans are insane, Born Again Christians scare me the most, and people shouldn't drive gas guzzlers.
Ah, does this make any sense to anyone? I'm so deliriously tired but can't sleep. I guess one thing I can write about is how I'm taking what I want and leaving the rest. There are alot of rules on the Kay Sheppard plan. I simply can't get myself wrapped up in rigidity. My experience in FA really screwed with me so I'm really approaching this plan with quiet steps.
I still drink Diet Coke (I LOVE DIET COKE) and Kay says that is a no-no. I still use Splenda simply because I can't find the saccharin crap they are talking about. I seriously am working a food plan right now. The steps are important and I need to do the work so I can seriously recover from the hopeless state of mind and body. But, I'm afraid to give up too much. I guess its because I want to hold on to my own way for a while. I use the argument that it is a miracle that I'm off the junk (sugar flour wheat) and that should be enough miracle for right now.
I know the weight is coming off as I can walk easier, get out of my car easier, stand and cook easier, etc. Things are getting better. But it is necessary to keep growing. I vascillate between being gentle and saying "You are enough and you're doing enough" and the fear based "If you don't do all the things that are asked of you - you will end up eating". I'm afraid of that fear based recovery that I had in all the previous recoveries. Each time I ended up eating myself up to 400 lbs.
OH, and another fear is that I'm tripping off of having to go back to the work world. I am worrying way ahead of time since my disability goes until September and then I will ask for a 2 month extension after that, but still, I need to think about what I can do...what do I want to do? My dream is to get a Masters in Psych and become a therapist and writer, but a friend of mine told me that there are 29,000 therapists in the United States and 24,000 of them are in California. That's all I needed to hear to throw me off the track. My lack of confidence tells me, "Might as well give that dream up....no way you'll succeed in a saturated market."
Ok, kids, well I've laid out alot of my fears now for you to peruse. Do you see what happens when you write at 4:13 am?