Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Sleeplessness

Ahh, my sleep pattern is totally off kilter, hence a late-night/early morning post. All is well is Micheleville. Made it through a long weekend abstinently and relatively unscathed by the process with the Passive Agressive Witch. I feel total relief letting go of that friendship or whatever you want to call it. It is freedom. Freedom to go forth in my life and grow and choose my family of friends from a healthier place.

I forgot to mention due to all the hooplah over the PAB (passive aggressive bitch), that I had dinner on Saturday night with my brother, his wife, my niece and my grandmother. We went to an obnoxious restaurant but it was kind of fun to get out of the regular rigamaroll and get together with them. I have been hiding out from family for some time due to the weight gain and my depression I went through.

My brother has taken up drinking and has found that it takes the edge off his problems. I hope he either takes it down a notch or hopefully he'll be haunting the rooms of AA before long. He's a funny guy and my brothers and I have a sense of humor that is likened to that of Vince Vaughan type humor. I laugh the most with my brothers. Nobody ever knows what we are speaking about, but we're laughing.

My brother tends to get very loud as he drinks and starts to spout off about America being the Blanket of Freedom. They just bought a YUKON which bugs the crap out of me. There is no need for huge vehicles in suburbs. But I'll save that rant for another time. I believe I touched on it in a previous post about Hummers.

My niece is turning four and kids can be so honest. She said to me, "Auntie Chele, your stomach is big." I laughed and really didn't get bugged by it at all. It's true- my stomach is big. And then she touched my Grandma's face and said, "How come your face is like that?" She was referring to the wrinkles since Gram is almost 90. We laughed. We then had a wild ride in a cab with a driver from Nigeria. He blazed through the streets of San Francisco while my loud brother was in the back trying to tell everyone about the Blanket of Freedom. It was quite comical. He calls me a liberal hippy. I wish I knew enough about the issues to earn that title, but I have to admit, I don't really know much, but what I do know is Bush sucks, Republicans are insane, Born Again Christians scare me the most, and people shouldn't drive gas guzzlers.

Ah, does this make any sense to anyone? I'm so deliriously tired but can't sleep. I guess one thing I can write about is how I'm taking what I want and leaving the rest. There are alot of rules on the Kay Sheppard plan. I simply can't get myself wrapped up in rigidity. My experience in FA really screwed with me so I'm really approaching this plan with quiet steps.

I still drink Diet Coke (I LOVE DIET COKE) and Kay says that is a no-no. I still use Splenda simply because I can't find the saccharin crap they are talking about. I seriously am working a food plan right now. The steps are important and I need to do the work so I can seriously recover from the hopeless state of mind and body. But, I'm afraid to give up too much. I guess its because I want to hold on to my own way for a while. I use the argument that it is a miracle that I'm off the junk (sugar flour wheat) and that should be enough miracle for right now.

I know the weight is coming off as I can walk easier, get out of my car easier, stand and cook easier, etc. Things are getting better. But it is necessary to keep growing. I vascillate between being gentle and saying "You are enough and you're doing enough" and the fear based "If you don't do all the things that are asked of you - you will end up eating". I'm afraid of that fear based recovery that I had in all the previous recoveries. Each time I ended up eating myself up to 400 lbs.

OH, and another fear is that I'm tripping off of having to go back to the work world. I am worrying way ahead of time since my disability goes until September and then I will ask for a 2 month extension after that, but still, I need to think about what I can do...what do I want to do? My dream is to get a Masters in Psych and become a therapist and writer, but a friend of mine told me that there are 29,000 therapists in the United States and 24,000 of them are in California. That's all I needed to hear to throw me off the track. My lack of confidence tells me, "Might as well give that dream up....no way you'll succeed in a saturated market."

Ok, kids, well I've laid out alot of my fears now for you to peruse. Do you see what happens when you write at 4:13 am?

xoxo
michele

4 comments:

Michelle said...

Hello Ms. Michele (o:

First I'd like to tell you that I am very proud of you!! It's really hard to be off of the "junk" and you're doing really well.
I'm a diet coke junkie too. Can't do without it.
Secondly, I say follow your dream. Who cares how many therapists there already are. You'll be the one to outdo them all. With your life experience you could specialize in eating disorders and addictions to food. I can see your book on the best seller list. Do not listen to negative talk..listen to your heart and follow your dreams.
"The happiness of your life depends on the quaility of your thoughts" author Unknown for that little quote. (o:
I hope your sleeping schedule gets worked out.
~M

plods said...

Hope you're sleeping now! What about some sort of therapy that's a speciality? There must be some niches where you can find a shortage of therapists?

angela said...

just think of all the people who need therapy, there certainly are not enough therapists to help them! think of the women and men who have struggled with what you are an expert about and how much peace & safety they would find talking to someone who understands and has been there.

that is another friend whose words do not reflect the caring they could offer you when you share your dreams. you know there are people who are more comfortable with us when we are weak.

you will not succeed or fail today or tomorrow. today you can fill out your fafsa online and research where you would go to school. you can fill out applications and write drafts of essays you will need for applications. you can do one step at a time and let go of the outcome. who knows? maybe researching this option will lead you down another path.

i went back to school after my son's father left and i wasn't sure what i was going to do. i applied for and got a scholarship and finished my BA last year. now i am in graduate school at UCSD after turning down berkeley and usc. sometimes i am abstinent and sometimes i am not. i weigh around 350 lbs after gaining close to fifty this year (this first year of graduate school was a killer!) but i quit zoloft and coffee and smoking and made a lot of positive changes. i don't even know if i want to finish, if i will stop next year when i get my masters, if i will achieve my phd. i am forty years old, a single mama and i really don't know, but i am glad i have options. i think it takes so much bravery to get through this life.

i am enjoying your blog!

Vickie said...

I have a couple thoughts to share.

The first is that I may not be right at all - but consider:

A couple weeks ago on AFG we were talking about the intervals between food - There is a quote from Kay sheppard and another one from Jane on Skinny Daily that I copied on to the Angry Fat Girlz site. Please Go back and find those and read.

So - here's my two cents - in view of intervals between food information on AFG - I think if you are drinking Diet Coke - you should probably just drink it WITH your meals and then ONLY drink water in between meals. Just a thought.

I am glad Kay is going well for you, glad you feel like you can "take what works" and "leave the rest".
Vickie