Friday, July 07, 2006

Georgia on my Mind

Well, Georgia is only slightly on my mind. I watched Gone with the Wind for the first time and it took place in Georgia, so there you have it. Geez it was 4 hours long. Anyway, that is not what's really on my mind; here's what's on my mind:
  • Fashion
  • FA
  • Fat (big surprise?)
Let's start with fashion. I received a catalog today from Nordstrom for their Anniversary Sale. This is different than most of the catalogs I get who serve the large lady community. Nordstrom is for the twinkies (thin girls). Anyway, I noticed that the 80s fashions are back with a vengeance. It goes as far as men's style suits for the career twinkie. What I noticed is that these models are of course a size 2. They have them posed like corporate vixens who by day demand power in the boardroom, but turn the page and they are in sexy barely-there lingerie where they can demand pleasure in the bedroom. I know this is nothing new as the fashion mags always seem to have this sort of theme, but for some reason it hit me today. Is this the pinnacle we are supposed to aspire to? Are we only guaranteed respect in the workplace if we are dressed like sexy women-men with a vixen side? I don't know why this really got to me, but it did. The catalog even had a juniors section which wasn't any better. The high school girls were dressed like teen vixens-you get my drift.

Reading things like this immediately makes me feel inadequate on so many levels. Since I am not working right now I don't really have to think about career vixen clothes, but I will soon and believe me I'm far from a vixen in the boardroom or the copyroom. I'm a sarcastic fat girl who seems to piss people off with my gregarious humor and a slight attitude problem...

Even when I was thin, I had problems dressing vixen-like. I always seemed to go for the clothes that looked very middle of the road with a hint of style. I never felt comfortable with trying to look sexy. I somehow feel embarrassed to look sexy or to even feel sexy. It's almost like I don't have a right to have sex, be sexy, want sex, or look sexy. I just get too embarrassed. This feeling is deep in the caverns of my being. It began long ago. I know this because it feels like a cobwebbed dusty feeling that has been lying inside me for many moons. I know this feeling has got to be explored, brought out into the light, and smiled at lovingly. I don't know when I'll be able to do that, and I don't know who the trusted soul will be that will be able to journey with me through this. There is more to this, but I can't handle much more exposure today...so we'll pick it up at a later time.

NEXT:

One of the few friends I have left after doing a clean sweep of the assholes in my life, has decided to go back to FA. This made me so sad and scared. Alot of feelings rushed through me when she told me this. I felt abandoned and judgmental and scared. I am fearful for her because I know how damaging this program can be to our fragile esteem. She is a different psychological make-up than I am, so perhaps it won't destroy her as it did me. Although, it did affect her dismally as well. She stopped opening up to most people due to the betrayal in that program when you "backslide". I think what is most affecting me is my own fear. I am afraid that they will suck her in as they tend to do. Pretty soon, all of your social events center around the program and I feel as if I will lose another friend. I know that if she is a good friend then I won't lose her, but it still makes me afraid. I can't imagine that she and I would ever be estranged, but I just know that as she gets rolling in that program she will acquire the "insta-friends" that program provides. I will still be sitting here a big blob with nothing to do and all day to do it. I am really starting to feel sorry for myself now. Wow, I can feel the emotions bubbling up as I type this. I am just very afraid that I won't have enough, won't be enough, and I'll fail at every attempt to do well.

I guess its time to do an assessment of what is:
  • I am abstinent
  • I am caring for myself well
  • I am actively working on getting along better with others; although, it's not that hard when I don't go to work.

I am quite afraid to start working again. I don't even know what I should apply for now. I feel if I could do something creative, like become an editor, or do something that isn't "clerical" or "sales" then I would feel proud of myself. But, I don't know what or how to do anything else. I did send in my FAFSA for graduate school and I will see how that pans out, but in the near future I need to think about what I can do. I will feel like a total loser if I have to get a low-paying menial job at 40 years old. I feel as if this "dark night of the soul" I've been going through won't look to appealing on a resume. I'm looking for a miracle. Maybe someone will read this blog and say, "Oh my god, we have to have her write for us."

Roger that.
xoxo

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good blog today! I am inspired by your abstinence and encouraged to keep trying for myself. Clarity, patience,understanding and self care seem to be the rewards. I'd say that's worth it, right? Right?

Michelle said...

Hurray to sending in your FAFSA!!! 1st step completed! Good for you Michele!!
About your friend...don't do the "what if". She's your friend and obviously your good friends. She's not going anywhere.
Your check list looks good...I'm way proud of you. You're doing more than I'm capable of at this moment.
Keep moving forward, don't let dark thoughts sabotage the work you've done so far.
You may not be aware of this but you're an inspiration to a lot of us bloggers. Thank you!
~M

Lori said...

Michele,

Someone sent me this link and the book looks fascinating to me. The Renaissance Soul: Life Design for People with Too Many Passions to Pick Just One by Margaret Lobenstine.

As for your age and going to graduate school...my cousin was debating this and said to someone, "Why I'll be 36 by the time I finish my undergraduate degree." And her friend said, "and you will still be 36 with or without a degree so why not go for it?"

I hope for you and me as we go through this weight loss journey and go through working on ourselves from the inside out, that we will be less worried about what others do or think about us. I know a lot of what you said is very true for me; I just learned to suck it up with co-workers because I needed the money. Your list is GREAT and keep up the good work.

buddha_girl said...

I don't care that I can now fit into most of the clothes in Nordstrom's. I'm not buying that crap. It's ugly.

I refuse to play into the sexy-vixen-business-leader-cum-guzzler stereotype. (That was crude...but I know you're with me.)

I'm strong, intelligent, beautiful, appreciated, and wanted. I can't always admit those things to myself, but tonight's a night for the good kind of honesty.

You are all of those things as well. I wish for you...a good night of sleep, a calm demeanor in the morning, a sense of peace about your friend, and the knowledge that you are on the right road.

Love you, woman!

buddha_girl said...

What the hell? I left a good comment...and blogger ate it. Perhaps BLOGGER should think about some freaking abstinence. Sheesh.

I'll compose a different comment later. Suffice it to say that you are on the right road. It's bumpy and unfamiliar...you're not comfortable and calm...but change never evokes a soothing sense in people. You're doing well Michelle!!! I'm proud of you!

Miss Michele said...

Thanks for all your wonderful comments. I am so glad to have this new family we've created here...I'm sensing a new wave of technology centered friendships which will go beyond the "information superhighway"...I love how we all support each other...it's a beautiful thing.

xoxo
michele

Michelle said...

Hey friend!!
Just wanted to say thanks for popping by my blog. (o:
~M

Jen said...

Nordstroms..bah..ugly stuff anyway ;)

I have two daughters, (14 and 6) It's hard to find clothes for them anymore that don't scream "slutty". Ugh, even for the 6 year old. Ridiculous.


Good luck with the FAFSA and school. I hope whatever path you end up on is a great one.

Excuse my ignorance but what is FA?

Miss Michele said...

Jen, FA is a 12 step program for Food. I wrote alot about it in my previous post called Posts from Yesteryear...

Michele
:)

Jen said...

Thanks Michele..I'm going to have to catch up eh?

jen said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has the fantasy that someone will stumble on my blog and say, "Wow, what an amazing writer! She must work for us." Of course, I'm only one of 89,954,889 million people blogging about how much they dislike the current politics of our country, that ought to really stand out....

Here's something to consider -- if you're thinking about going back to school, check out the employment postings at universities near you. Even if you do take a clerical job to pay the bills, if you find one at a university, you can usually get free or cheap tuition. I put myself through a Ph.D. program on tuition waivers and my husband got his master's degree for free, all because I worked a Good But Boring Job in Information Technology at a university. Going to school part-time is a bit of a drag but it was a good compromise for me.

Just an idea that you might not have thought about. Make sure you check out the benefits info to see if they really offer a tuition benefit -- that info is usually on the HR website somewhere.

SignGurl said...

I think I've read everything here now. You are such an amazing person! You are very adept at writing out your feelings. I truly enjoy reading what you have to say.