- Fat (big surprise?)
Reading things like this immediately makes me feel inadequate on so many levels. Since I am not working right now I don't really have to think about career vixen clothes, but I will soon and believe me I'm far from a vixen in the boardroom or the copyroom. I'm a sarcastic fat girl who seems to piss people off with my gregarious humor and a slight attitude problem...
Even when I was thin, I had problems dressing vixen-like. I always seemed to go for the clothes that looked very middle of the road with a hint of style. I never felt comfortable with trying to look sexy. I somehow feel embarrassed to look sexy or to even feel sexy. It's almost like I don't have a right to have sex, be sexy, want sex, or look sexy. I just get too embarrassed. This feeling is deep in the caverns of my being. It began long ago. I know this because it feels like a cobwebbed dusty feeling that has been lying inside me for many moons. I know this feeling has got to be explored, brought out into the light, and smiled at lovingly. I don't know when I'll be able to do that, and I don't know who the trusted soul will be that will be able to journey with me through this. There is more to this, but I can't handle much more exposure today...so we'll pick it up at a later time.
One of the few friends I have left after doing a clean sweep of the assholes in my life, has decided to go back to FA. This made me so sad and scared. Alot of feelings rushed through me when she told me this. I felt abandoned and judgmental and scared. I am fearful for her because I know how damaging this program can be to our fragile esteem. She is a different psychological make-up than I am, so perhaps it won't destroy her as it did me. Although, it did affect her dismally as well. She stopped opening up to most people due to the betrayal in that program when you "backslide". I think what is most affecting me is my own fear. I am afraid that they will suck her in as they tend to do. Pretty soon, all of your social events center around the program and I feel as if I will lose another friend. I know that if she is a good friend then I won't lose her, but it still makes me afraid. I can't imagine that she and I would ever be estranged, but I just know that as she gets rolling in that program she will acquire the "insta-friends" that program provides. I will still be sitting here a big blob with nothing to do and all day to do it. I am really starting to feel sorry for myself now. Wow, I can feel the emotions bubbling up as I type this. I am just very afraid that I won't have enough, won't be enough, and I'll fail at every attempt to do well.
I guess its time to do an assessment of what is:
- I am abstinent
- I am caring for myself well
- I am actively working on getting along better with others; although, it's not that hard when I don't go to work.
I am quite afraid to start working again. I don't even know what I should apply for now. I feel if I could do something creative, like become an editor, or do something that isn't "clerical" or "sales" then I would feel proud of myself. But, I don't know what or how to do anything else. I did send in my FAFSA for graduate school and I will see how that pans out, but in the near future I need to think about what I can do. I will feel like a total loser if I have to get a low-paying menial job at 40 years old. I feel as if this "dark night of the soul" I've been going through won't look to appealing on a resume. I'm looking for a miracle. Maybe someone will read this blog and say, "Oh my god, we have to have her write for us."