Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Addiction comes in Many Forms

Hello my sweet friends,
I've been laying back the past few days due to a message I needed to get out to some hooligans that kept visiting my precious blog. But, I am back. I will not be silenced nor afraid of who reads my site any longer. If the racist idiots want to come and visit, well then sit on down for a spell and let me bring some laughter, wisdom and some addiction trudgery to your small idiotic world. Please note: that last line only is applicable to the idiots from that small racist Oregon town.

Now onward and upward:
It's 3:30 and I still can't sleep. I have found a new addiction and it is a doozer. I'm a big TV fan as you might already know and I love Big Brother and Season 7-All Stars has begun. There are a few thousand people that subscribe to the live feeds, which allows us to watch the houseguests all day 24/7. It's absolutely riveting. I watch them, and at the same time the others that are watching chat about it. I found myself to be pretty popular among the BB fans and its feeding my ego and confirming my ability to be witty and entertaining. So, I haven't eaten through this but it has sucked up all my time. I sit here all day -- my ass goes numb, I drink diet coke and smoke a ton of cigs. It's not a healthy combo by any means. So that's where I've been. I know its nothing to be proud of and it certainly doesn't feed me or nourish my soul as much as reading all of your blogs and corresponding with you all.

With that said, I've been thinking alot about my weight lately. I'm starting to get overwhelmed by the fact that I have a very long way to go before I'll be able to ride in an airplane, go to a theatre, move about without strain. I keep thinking about being 4 hunsky and it just overwhelms me. I am taking it one day at a time, but sometimes thinking about the journey and how long it takes becomes a burden.

I have been abstinent now for a month and I haven't been able to weigh myself because I have to go to the hospital to do it. I'm going to be there tomorrow for a few other things, and I want to have the willingness to ask them to let me weigh myself. I'm afraid if I step on that scale and nothing has changed, I will be so disappointed.

I don't want to forget this place though. This place of being 4 hunsky is precious in a way. This body carts me around. This body has been willing to not partake in the addictive substance. This body continues to wake up everyday and house my soul, no matter what condition it is in. I would often look at my fat pictures when I was thin and get teary looking at the girl in the picture. Just imagining how much she went through on a daily basis. I had compassion. Most people look at their fat pictures with disgust. I look at mine with bittersweet tenderness. I learned to do that, but I was in a program then that had fat disdain. People would get up in front of the room and talk about how awful they were when they were fat; even 25 lbs overweight would qualify them as disgusting. I tried to fight that feeling, but nobody was supporting that vision of me. Just lose more weight, be more willing, etc. I'm not blaming that program for its non-supportive view of my larger size, but I see people "chasing the weight loss". If I chase the weight loss it will only run farther away from me. If I hate myself down to a small weight, it will run back and find me.

I tried to love myself down to a normal weight, but inside there was shame and remorse over the life I had led. I never was allowed to work the steps in that program because there were rules to be in the step group: First, it was that you couldn't be on antidepressants, caffeine, nicotine. Then, a certain faction opened their doors to antidepressant people; they called them Med Awols. Many sponsors would not sponsor someone in a Med Awol. I went through many sponsors, but mostly I got kicked out of AWOLS for smoking or drinking caffeine. So, I never got the chance to go through the steps where the healing takes place.

I have a sponsor now that is willing to do the steps with me and I go to meetings etc. I am working it one day at a time. I'm not trying to be perfect. I still am drinking diet coke, smoking, and occasionally letting the digital scale weigh at 5.1 or 4.9 instead of perfectly 6.0. I just don't think little things like that are important in the scheme of things. All perfection did for me was make me more intolerable of myself.

I'm working on myself in a big way. But when I spend alot of time on the internet watching the beautiful people on Big Brother strut around all day, it can be pretty harming. I guess I'm getting the point now, aren't I?

Missed all of you,

By the way, I saw The Devil Wears Prada and I changed my picture to the Meryl Streep character from the movie because I found her deliciously bitchy. I'll have that one up until I find something else...I simply loved that movie.


Lori said...


I think the first few months of losing weight is the hardest, especially if you have a lot of weight to lose. I’m not saying there aren’t rewards but for me, patience is a hard virtue to master (and actually I’m working on a post either for AFG or my own blog about this). Logically, we know we are not going to lose 50 pounds in a month or something dramatic like that but with the hard work of abstinence for you and the things I do, it’s easy to think “Is that it?” And like you say, it’s going to take a while for you to get to do things like riding an airplane or go to the movies without strain. I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed. But you are motivated.

Perfection is overrated. If everything and everyone was perfect, it would a boring world. I don’t watch BB but I’m sure none of those people are perfect. You are a very compassionate person and especially to yourself. That’s really a hard thing for me to do. (I’m compassionate to everyone else but me.) I don’t know what program you were with but I’m glad you are on now that allows anti-depressants, etc.

BTW, I love “The Devil Wears Prada” too – I thought the assistant was a bit of a dope myself. As for the BB stuff, I don't really see the problem. I think it's a way for you to "get out of the house" in a way and not be Michele, the woman who is in a program, etc. You can be another person entirely which sounds like fun. (Now, if you are there 24/7, then it might be scary.) But it sounds like you are thinking about the program, working it, and taking care of yourself.

JessiferSeabs said...

I love love loved The Devil Wears Prada as well, thought it was really well done.

Dearheart, I couldn't agree more with your assesment of "fat hating." Nobody ever accomplished anything by HATING themselves. You are a beautiful person - inside and out, and are worthy of love, health, happiness, laughter, and joy.

I have to ask, and maybe this is an idiot question, but are you seeing a therapist? LIke you, I long to go back for my masters in psychology and recently I started seeing a therapist - it feels so good to have somebody who I can just cry to if I need it. All the feelings I am so used to pouring out in my blog, I can pour out to her... it is a special feeling.

Even at my highest weight, I also never made fun of myself or hated myself. I knew that I was special; important, despite my weight. I still know that now. I always say that even though it's been painful, I don't really regret having lived life as an overweight person, because it made me appreciate the non-physical things about my body, and it also made me appreciate everything about life in this thinner body.

Hugs to you,

Michelle said...

Hey there friend!! (o:

1 month of abstinence is fabulous!! It's so hard and you're doing a really great job! You sound like you've been doing some soul searching and are working hard. Don't focus on the big'll happen soon enough. Do you have a small goal? Something you can look forward to?
I'm glad you have a sponsor now. Did you join the program your friend is doing?
I'm glad to see BB has released you from their grip...we need your insight and wisdom too. (o;

buddha_girl said...

I read the Devil Wears Prada but haven't yet seen the movie. Can't wait! Miranda is PRICELESS.

I think abstinence from ANYTHING is difficult. Period. There's nothing harder. You need to know your limits and understand that you take the best and leave the rest. I know you've heard that phrase before.

The healing is the most important part of positive weight loss. People cannot simply be beaten into submission and lose weight. It doesn't work that way.

I'm so glad you're continuing to use your blog as a forum to discuss, seek support, and be honest. I'm so very proud of you.

Also, don't look at how much you weigh and how much you want to lose. Even people who only want to lose 30lbs can get overwhelmed.

And PLEASE, gather your resolve and request to be weighed when you go to the hospital. Try to engage one of your doctors or nurses into being a 'buddy' of sorts who will allow you to weigh in when you need it.

I have faith in you Michele!

*hard hugs*

Rowan said...

"If I chase the weight loss it will only run farther away from me. If I hate myself down to a small weight, it will run back and find me."
That is so eloquently put I have copied it down so I can read it from time to time. Especially the 'hating' part. I think my down times are often because I hate myself for getting so fat. I wonder if I will feel the 'shame and remorse over the life I led' too. So much time wasted, so many opportunities gone all because of my addiction and my weight. It's not fun to acknowledge that is what happened but I believe it is necessary if we are to move thru and beyond.
I am glad you are away from that group that imposed such severe restrictions on who they would help with the steps - maybe someday you will give up those other things but it seems ridiculous that they expected so much. Just giving up cigarettes took me starting and stopping for nearly 10 years before I finally quit!
Your abstinence is encouraging for all of us and I'm happy for you!

On another note: "right wing homophobic asschunk" brought tears to my eyes I was laughing so hard...


Anne said...

Perfectionism is behind a lot of our distress, whether weight-related or not - we are human, we cannot be perfect - when we try, we fail and we end up worse off than we were - so going for 'good enough' and loving and accepting ourselves as we are right now is a much healthier and ultimately productive way.
Shame about the racists - let's send them some love - that will either heal them or scare them off.