Hello my sweet friends,
I've been laying back the past few days due to a message I needed to get out to some hooligans that kept visiting my precious blog. But, I am back. I will not be silenced nor afraid of who reads my site any longer. If the racist idiots want to come and visit, well then sit on down for a spell and let me bring some laughter, wisdom and some addiction trudgery to your small idiotic world. Please note: that last line only is applicable to the idiots from that small racist Oregon town.
Now onward and upward:
It's 3:30 and I still can't sleep. I have found a new addiction and it is a doozer. I'm a big TV fan as you might already know and I love Big Brother and Season 7-All Stars has begun. There are a few thousand people that subscribe to the live feeds, which allows us to watch the houseguests all day 24/7. It's absolutely riveting. I watch them, and at the same time the others that are watching chat about it. I found myself to be pretty popular among the BB fans and its feeding my ego and confirming my ability to be witty and entertaining. So, I haven't eaten through this but it has sucked up all my time. I sit here all day -- my ass goes numb, I drink diet coke and smoke a ton of cigs. It's not a healthy combo by any means. So that's where I've been. I know its nothing to be proud of and it certainly doesn't feed me or nourish my soul as much as reading all of your blogs and corresponding with you all.
With that said, I've been thinking alot about my weight lately. I'm starting to get overwhelmed by the fact that I have a very long way to go before I'll be able to ride in an airplane, go to a theatre, move about without strain. I keep thinking about being 4 hunsky and it just overwhelms me. I am taking it one day at a time, but sometimes thinking about the journey and how long it takes becomes a burden.
I have been abstinent now for a month and I haven't been able to weigh myself because I have to go to the hospital to do it. I'm going to be there tomorrow for a few other things, and I want to have the willingness to ask them to let me weigh myself. I'm afraid if I step on that scale and nothing has changed, I will be so disappointed.
I don't want to forget this place though. This place of being 4 hunsky is precious in a way. This body carts me around. This body has been willing to not partake in the addictive substance. This body continues to wake up everyday and house my soul, no matter what condition it is in. I would often look at my fat pictures when I was thin and get teary looking at the girl in the picture. Just imagining how much she went through on a daily basis. I had compassion. Most people look at their fat pictures with disgust. I look at mine with bittersweet tenderness. I learned to do that, but I was in a program then that had fat disdain. People would get up in front of the room and talk about how awful they were when they were fat; even 25 lbs overweight would qualify them as disgusting. I tried to fight that feeling, but nobody was supporting that vision of me. Just lose more weight, be more willing, etc. I'm not blaming that program for its non-supportive view of my larger size, but I see people "chasing the weight loss". If I chase the weight loss it will only run farther away from me. If I hate myself down to a small weight, it will run back and find me.
I tried to love myself down to a normal weight, but inside there was shame and remorse over the life I had led. I never was allowed to work the steps in that program because there were rules to be in the step group: First, it was that you couldn't be on antidepressants, caffeine, nicotine. Then, a certain faction opened their doors to antidepressant people; they called them Med Awols. Many sponsors would not sponsor someone in a Med Awol. I went through many sponsors, but mostly I got kicked out of AWOLS for smoking or drinking caffeine. So, I never got the chance to go through the steps where the healing takes place.
I have a sponsor now that is willing to do the steps with me and I go to meetings etc. I am working it one day at a time. I'm not trying to be perfect. I still am drinking diet coke, smoking, and occasionally letting the digital scale weigh at 5.1 or 4.9 instead of perfectly 6.0. I just don't think little things like that are important in the scheme of things. All perfection did for me was make me more intolerable of myself.
I'm working on myself in a big way. But when I spend alot of time on the internet watching the beautiful people on Big Brother strut around all day, it can be pretty harming. I guess I'm getting the point now, aren't I?
Missed all of you,
By the way, I saw The Devil Wears Prada and I changed my picture to the Meryl Streep character from the movie because I found her deliciously bitchy. I'll have that one up until I find something else...I simply loved that movie.