I was reading another site and came across a post about how these fat women love their bodies and described them with witty banter and how they looked good, except they could lose a little. I got disturbed with this because the post had 81 comments and they were for the most part light and enthusiastic. I sit here mourning the body God intended for me. God intended for me to have a healthy weight, no loose skin, and a healthy mind... My actions and addiction changed that course.
I have never been at a healthy weight for very long and I've always been doing something to my body to abuse it, i.e massive caffeine intake, massive cigarettte smoking , especially when I'm abstinent from addictive eating.
I'm a true addict from the word "go". I can't eat flour or sugar or wheat and have any semblance of balance or control at all. I smoke and I smoke alot. I drink caffeine and I drink alot. I get into tv and I watch alot. I get into TV show websites and I spend hours chatting with other fans. There are alot of things about me which are addictive and crave to be soothed.
The thing about addicts is: We have low self-esteem and big egos. It's a deadly combo. But by the grace of some power greater than me (and it is a stretch sometimes to believe there is one) I have been restored to sanity --- one day at a time--around food. As far as the side dishes of addiction, they are alive and well and seem to come alive evermore when the food is "down".
I want to get back to body acceptance for a minute. This site I went to (FattyMcBlog) is usally very funny and light. I need that sometimes, but the body acceptance piece really got to me. It stung and it still stings. I get uncomfortable when fat people joke about their bodies in a condescending way because I do that when I'm nervous. I get uncomfortable when women say I love my "twins" when they are fat. I get uncomfortable when women say "I love my junk in the trunk"...because the truth is that junk in the trunk is probably not that great and the "twins" will be reduced to deflated balloons once they lose weight.
I sound so bitter. I guess I am. It is wonderful when a person has body acceptance but my radar goes off that its not true that these women on that site really do love their bodies. It seems to me that it's a front so that they don't have to identify themselves and how they really feel about their bodies. I just wanted to read one comment on there that I could identify with and I didn't. And now I feel lonely.
I better make a gratitude list and fast!
Love you all,
Michele
11 comments:
Chele,
I've found that accepting that some people either truly believe that they're "ok" or that they dupe themselves into thinking so...is the only way to go.
There are some days when I can say I'm beautiful. Other days, I'm my own worst enemy.
Even though I've lost a ton of weight, I still see myself as I was in the "before" picture. I have three actual pictures I've saved since before I lost the weight. I get filled with both shock and severe anxiety when I look at them.
I keep them around so I don't go down the road to hell again with food. But I show them to NO ONE. Even my husband, who was with me even at my highest weight, doesn't see them.
I think you'll disappoint yourself if you try to find people of like feelings and fears if you go to a blog where heavy women can and do joke about their bodies and weight.
We all deal with our weight and body images/perceptions in different ways. The humorous approach works for some although I'd have to say that the laughter is likely hiding their own insecurities. I don't blame them, though.
Rather than thinking that you're alone in your perception of yourself...take a look at the changes you're making in your life. Know that I likely have some of the very same fears and feelings of self-loathing. I do...at times. But those times are few and far between these days.
Much love from a blabber mouth.
I'm wondering if there's a way to love yourself and the way you look without giving up the fight to lose weight versus the loathing most of us have about how we look. I am not disagreeing with you; I think we should have some realistic views of how we look. Believe me, I just spent some time with someone and I cringe at how I must look without any clothes on. And I've lost my twins, esp. when I still have some junk in my truck. Believe me, I am very good at joking about my looks. If I were a comedian, I'd be making my looks, fat all part of the routine.
Yet....there I am with someone and so I'm not without some value. (Not that you need anyone in your life to make your life valuable; I hope you know what I mean.) So I trudge on and try to eat the right things and tomorrow I will go to the gym and Weight Watchers and weigh in (and sucking in my breath and my gut for the outcome). I don't want to go backwards, I didn't like how I looked before (and I had dates, BFs, etc.) and while I definitely like how I look NOW, I'd like to look better and be healthier.
I like that sentence: low self-esteem and big egos. Boy. Someone's got my number for sure.
I have to say that I'm really proud of how you're doing and the posts and writing you've contributed in this blog. I always find it interesting, thought provoking, and usually very relevant to things going on with me. Thanks.
Holy moly! I just saw your weightline thing at the top of your bloggy. I'm SO proud of you! Twenty-one pounds is a great report.
How you FEEL on this journey, both physically and emotionally, is of the utmost importance! I'm so proud of you!
I, too, was struck by the low self esteem and big ego comment. I'd never thought about it, but it's true. It may be part of our armour.
I can say that I've lied and said I like and accept my body. I didn't believe it. It was just another defense mechanism.
I love reading your posts. You seem to say the things I think but just can't seem to put into words.
Here is a really good article about body acceptance.
http://www.kansas.com/mld/kansas/14855686.htm
I weigh 392 pounds and I love my body. I even wrote a poem about it. It's been posted all over the net including here
http://themonkeycrew.typepad.com/beside_the_pointe/you_are_beautiful/index.html
which is where I stumbled across a link to your blog. I am doing Weight Watchers (I started a week ago and just found out I've lost 6 pounds! *yea*) and seem like the only person at the meetings truly at peace with my body. Why is it necessary that because I am heavy that I hate my body? Why can't I hold my head up and mean it? Society may not agree with me, but who cares what they think anyway? I hope you are able to make peace with your body as you go on the journey of losing weight. I work with a woman who had a gastric bypass because she weighed 420 pounds and thought that losing it would make her happy. Well, she now weighs 170 and is just as unhappy at that weight. Happiness is not a pants size. Beauty is not a pants size. Both of them *must* start within! If you ever plan on successfully and radically changing your life you have to love and accept yourself right now. If not now, when? Why weight? :0)
This is EXACTLY what I've been talking about today in my own blog (Improbable Truth). Thank you, thank you, thank you for NOT being blindly "I love my fat"!!!
I have body/fat acceptance things linked in my blog but it is less about wanting to stay at this weight and love and it more about loving me for where I am right now - still fat. If I can't love/accept myself fat, I won't love/accept myself thin.
At least that is what I believe.
I also have judgements of other fat people and I have to realize that even when I lose the weight and no longer live in the world of the obese, there are many good, kind, loving people who are fat and don't care or can't lose the weight for whatever reason. I don't want to judge or turn away from them as being 'bad' or 'wrong' because of the choices they make - I might miss out on an opportunity to know a wonderful person.
That's my two cents anyway.
Michele -
Don't know if you are interested - but I just posted my KAy Food Plan blood work (Vickie under Angry Fat Girlz) as compared to a normal/higher fat plan last year. I know that you follow Kay too - so thought you might be interested.
it is strange, isn't it? it's just one more way that i compare myself to others and come up lacking. or better than. comparisons suck.
i have more acceptance of my appearance now than i did in my 20s when i was relatively tiny and kind of pretty. just wrote about that yesterday, in fact. the difference now is that all of the inside craziness from my years of addiction to food, men, gambling, and alcohol have succumbed to those stupid steps ;-) and i am really, really much better on the inside. it has "gentled" my vision in looking at myself.
and yes i'd love it if after losing 100 pounds i was as tight and fabulous as a 17 year old. but the truth is i didn't have the body of a 17 year old at 17. this is just my lot in life, but i have two strong legs and good eyes and a healthy heart and lots of other wonderful things with which to make a gratitude list (and i do think those help so much).
someone in oa used to tell me "until you accept where you are, you cannot change" and i railed against that and binged and purged and starved and overexercised and tried to beat myself into submission but the disease was always, always stronger than the club i used to keep myself in line.
such craziness. but thank you for this post. i'm delighted to have found your site and will be checking back with you. lynette
I think people pretend they want what they're stuck with, refuse to change, or don't have the strength to change.
I've always considered the whole "BBW" thing to be a massive exercise in denial and enabling.
Dagny
Hey Michele, loved your post. Get angry and write about it! No one's life is all roses, whether they want you to think that or not, not even skinny people. Most of us are addicts and we have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. I suppose we can feel lucky we aren't addicted to something much worse. And you are so right when you say we addicts have both low self esteem AND a big ego. Isn't that strange?
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