tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post115329572237548681..comments2023-03-22T02:18:42.356-07:00Comments on Fat Girl Camp: Did I mention that I am a scapegoat...FunnyBitshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16754280190924901499noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-10108085948617381312008-06-05T15:07:00.000-07:002008-06-05T15:07:00.000-07:00Solution - get tooled up with a Kanone Achtzehn an...Solution - get tooled up with a Kanone Achtzehn and rain down Blitzkreig on the mofos! Check out the track "Kopfschuss" by Eisbrecher (on Youtube) for inspiration (banging German industrial metal) :o)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153335889905446542006-07-19T12:04:00.000-07:002006-07-19T12:04:00.000-07:00Michele -What Lori had to say followed right along...Michele -<BR/>What Lori had to say followed right along with what I was saying. <BR/><BR/>After I thought about it more, and read Lori's note - is it possible that THIS is why you are "labeled" in your family - that just listening and RESPONDING to the Other's problems has built up over the years to the point where ALL they remember is that you are involved in the aftermath each time - even though you actually weren't involved in the original conflict??? <BR/><BR/>My guess is from reading you here is that you are a verbal/articulate person - you say what you think. Do you have a strong personality? - Is it possible that in trying to listen and support - you are putting the "stamp" of yourself ON each issue? <BR/><BR/>I have to be very careful at meetings because of this - too much emphasis is often placed on what I way because I speak in a strong/forthright manner. <BR/><BR/>Instead of being just another voice - with my opinion weighed in with the rest - sometimes TOO much emphasis is placed on what I say. <BR/><BR/>My 12 year old is like this too - we have to be very careful not to BE TOO MUCH. <BR/><BR/>On the flip side - I get wonderful service most everywhere I go - in a sense - no one "messes with me".<BR/><BR/>I still think you might try listening to Dr Joy for a couple weeks - she might help you see the dynamics of what is going on.Vickiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05452333714845476967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153639357811151472006-07-23T00:22:00.000-07:002006-07-23T00:22:00.000-07:00Are you feeling better? I hope so.Are you feeling better? I hope so.Lori G.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02167055316077502640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153850801892520562006-07-25T11:06:00.000-07:002006-07-25T11:06:00.000-07:00All of you are so wonderful and I have taken every...All of you are so wonderful and I have taken everything you've all said. Thank you for taking the time to read my stuff but also the time it took for all of you to leave such thoughtful coments.<BR/><BR/>xoxo<BR/>micheleFunnyBitshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16754280190924901499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153445656364377772006-07-20T18:34:00.000-07:002006-07-20T18:34:00.000-07:00*sigh*Many wonderful insights and responses to you...*sigh*<BR/><BR/>Many wonderful insights and responses to your post here. Surrounded by such support is a remarkable thing, no?<BR/><BR/>You don't have to continue being their scapegoat. Through whatever means, change your role in the family. You don't have to continue in the same bit part that's been assigned to you. <BR/><BR/>Perhaps, in their own ways, they enjoy when you're depressed, outraged, withdrawn, and defenseless. People with those characteristics are easy marks. <BR/><BR/>Love yourself a little more each day by choosing to continue talking here and with anyone else who shows you love and support. <BR/><BR/>By becoming better and healthier, mentally, physically, and emotionally, you've put your family in a precarious position. They're used to you one way...and are scrambling to keep things consistent. <BR/><BR/>I know they love you. Family is family. But you don't have to allow past behaviors and choices to dictate where you are going TODAY. <BR/><BR/>Much love,<BR/>BGMouthy Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13390913450937641605noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153440577295931312006-07-20T17:09:00.000-07:002006-07-20T17:09:00.000-07:00better yet, when there's family gathering coming u...better yet, when there's family gathering coming up, send that group email a week in advnace to say that you don't want to hear from them unless it's about the movies or lebanon for the next 28 days.<BR/><BR/>cut `em off at the knees before they've stood up.<BR/><BR/>AND: that power bigger than you gave you a forum & people who love your pain & process, as well a the intelligence to figure out the dynamic & put it in coherent english.<BR/><BR/>so there.Frances Kuffelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14928021465309402200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153439705516770072006-07-20T16:55:00.000-07:002006-07-20T16:55:00.000-07:00i love that suggestion about not listening, saying...i love that suggestion about not listening, saying that you will talk about many things but not about family members. i think it would be hard to give up being in the loop, family gossip is involvement, but the cost is really high. <BR/><BR/>i'm sorry you had to go through this!<BR/><BR/>hey! reading your blog (and careening towards bottom at the same time) helped me to choose abstinence. i'm on the kay sheppard food plan, again! five days and i'm feeling really so much better. thanks! what you write matters.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153406469663282632006-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:002006-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00After reading this and the follow-up post my first...After reading this and the follow-up post my first thought was - get the hell away from these crazymakers and FAST! <BR/>I agree with the tactic Vicki described. I have had to do that to my father on numerous occasions by saying 'I'm hanging up now, bye!' after he tried to lay some guilt trip on me. It really was effective and he's never pulled that crap on me since. I was scared to do it, scared he would be mad at me but once I did it I really felt strong - empowered even! I wasn't mean to him I just told him in so many words I was done listening to him. <BR/>These people in your family need a scapegoat so they don't have to look at themselves. I could fill an entire blog of ways my parents tried to blame everything that happened to them on me. <BR/>Being angry at them is a good thing, it means your healing instead of letting them heap their stuff onto you. Anger can be turned into action - you can rise above this, say you've had enough and claim your right to peace!<BR/>Be well friend!Kyraylynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10765310721063972839noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153348991171552922006-07-19T15:43:00.000-07:002006-07-19T15:43:00.000-07:00Hey Friend,I just wanted to wish you well. I wish...Hey Friend,<BR/>I just wanted to wish you well. I wish I had some really great advice, but I don't. <BR/>I just wanted to you to know I'm out here in cyberland wishing you well and saying a silent prayer that everything will work out for you.<BR/>~M<BR/>ps.I beleive God exists.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17573880820317909555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153300328333382922006-07-19T02:12:00.000-07:002006-07-19T02:12:00.000-07:00I don't know if this will help - I listen to Dr Jo...I don't know if this will help - <BR/><BR/>I listen to Dr Joy Brown on the radio all the time - she also has a show on TV (perhaps TLC channel).<BR/><BR/>This type of question comes up all the time - I wasn't even there - now somehow it is all my fault.<BR/><BR/>She says that when the first person starts to tell you the story/her side - you should STOP them and say - "Mom - I will talk to you about the weather, movies, books, whatever, but if you have a problem with Sally - I am not getting in the middle - I don't want to hear about it". Dr Joy says if they continue - then just get OFF the phone - don't listen. <BR/><BR/>Then you can't be in the middle and you aren't caught in something that you can't do anything about anyway.<BR/><BR/>check out her website - I think you can listen to shows through it. You probably won't agree with EVERYTHING she says - but she is pretty practical.<BR/>VickieVickiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05452333714845476967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29497803.post-1153314676360512472006-07-19T06:11:00.000-07:002006-07-19T06:11:00.000-07:00Michele,I'm watching a friend go through something...Michele,<BR/>I'm watching a friend go through something a little bit similar (not as much dysfunction but a lot of immaturity and things involving MONEY). She hears everyone's side of things and everyone wants to draw her into the drama (and she does get involved up to a certain point). She has managed to keep them from blaming her (like I said, they are just more immature than really dysfunctional). <BR/><BR/>(Do these people have email? Maybe you can send a collective email and point out you are just the person that they all bitch to, not the instigator. I doubt that they will listen to you but for once, you can say what you want to everyone at once without anyone hearing it from someone else.) <BR/><BR/>Just keep taking care of yourself and in the future when they want to bitch about things that the other one has done, just say, "This isn't very constructive for me because I wasn't there and I'd rather not know about it. You should talk to mamabear, Icebergmama and Insanebrotherbear." I think really any way you try to deal with this, they are going to TRY to blame you. What would they do if you don't get upset and calmly say, "You can try and blame me, but I wasn't there and all I did was listen to the three of you bitch about the other one. I'd rather not continue this conversation if that's how it's going to be." <BR/><BR/>I worked with a woman who had a really hateful boss. And this woman would come in and scream at her. And she would sit there and take it and go away later and cry herself. We would say, "Just get up and leave the minute she starts screaming." (I know, easier said than done.) The next secretary did do that and said to the screamer, "I'll talk to you when you are calmer." And you know what? She stopped screaming. (She was still a bitch but some things you can't change.) Just change how you react is all I'm saying. Don't get caught in the same old family games by reacting the same. It doesn't do you any good. <BR/><BR/>Maybe when they are going to visit each other, you should not answer the phone for a week or two until the drama winds down. I think they mistake you listening to meaning you agree with them. (I know that's not what you meant.)<BR/><BR/>Hang in there and keep doing what you need to do to take care of Michele. Don't walk away from them but don't sit there and take a lot of crap off them either. I think they count on you being their whipping boy. Surprise them by just sticking up for yourself in a different way. This is a bit long-winded but I do understand how emotions play a part in this. I'm sorry you had to go through this. <BR/><BR/>I think you might consider that you being abstinenet and getting better might be a threat for some people. You won't be the same Michele who lets people run over her. You'll be stronger and not put up with this dysfunction.Lori G.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02167055316077502640noreply@blogger.com